One small step, one giant leap

Until the final word is in, I say nothing definitively; however, I will most likely be putting in my two weeks notice as of February 23rd (next Friday). This seems the most strategic and convenient time (perhaps I should say least damaging and least inconvenient time) to all involved as it would make my final day immediately before Spring Break.

After reaching this breaking point and coming to this tentative decision, I can immediately feel the proverbial weight lifting from my shoulders, albeit temporarily. And yet... I have not yet been able to conclusively and absolutely say "yes, I will quit" or "no, I will finish out the year". To make it though this far... to quit when the end is in sight... to abandon responsibility, challenge, and commitment...

...and for what? To leave the security of a stable job - a guaranteed "known" - for a blank, empty unknown... Can I find a job that I enjoy? Can I find a job that makes enough money for our lifestyle to continue? How long until I find that job? Will we have to work second part-time jobs until then? And what if I find a new job and end up in the same boat as now? What if I'm just a habitual quitter??

Which is better - to guilt and scare myself into staying in a job that chews up and spits out my soul on a daily basis, leading a miserable, depressed existence - or - giving up everything I have worked toward, my profession!, abandoning all security because I'm a quitter and a coward.

But if I stick it out three months, finish my year, and then exit gracefully - how will my situation be so very different from my position now? I will still face the unknown, the paycheck-less nightmares, etc. If I finish the year, would I convince myself that I should teach another year? And if I did that, would I regret every day or rejoice that I stuck it out and learned from my first-year mistakes?

No one can make this decision for me; no one knows door leads to misery and which leads to happiness.

Can I do this? ...and which door is this? I fear that my inability to act on any decision will in itself seal my fate. Inaction, after all, is still an action.

One small step... one giant leap... if only I weren't paralyzed like a deer in headlights.