From Beneath the Hoody

First of all, my apologies. To everyone that I dismissed, ignored, shooed, and otherwise insulted, I'm sorry. Now that I am home and safely isolated, let me apologize, again, and explain.

You've got questions, I've got answers.
How are you feeling? Light-headed, dizzy... kind of like I'm drugged... poor sense of balance, screwed up equilibrium... sensitive to light, sound, movement.

What's the cause? I have no idea. Since I like to blame things on myself, I'm going to say it's psychosomatic. If it makes you feel better (and if it means you'll leave me alone), I'll tell you that I'll have it checked out.

Has this happened before? often? Since I'm anemic, I'm used to it on a very minor scale. I get up quickly, I act like Cap'n Jack Sparrow for a second or two, shake it off, and remember to take my iron vitamin the next day. Life goes on as normal. But spells like this? I've been light-headed more in the past week or so than normal. I've only had one other time when I had a spell that was this intense and long-lasting... and that was back in February-March.

What's with the attitude today? Ah, here's the real question. As way of apology, I feel compelled to explain in far more detail than anyone cares. And, since it makes it easier for me, let me walk through today. I haven't really felt well all day, or the past few days for that matter... but I was able to get by just fine. Until, that is, early afternoon today. Not able to function properly, and not wanting anyone to pester me or worry about me, I crawled into the side office and laid down in the dark under the desk. (After alerting key persons so that I wouldn't get in trouble for slacking off.) As noted above, I don't really know why I'm feeling like this. It scares me. I just wanted someplace where I could block out light and motion, where I could keep my head down, and where I could isolate myself.

Why do you want to isolate yourself? The best I can do is compare myself to an injured wild animal. I will slink into the woods alone and bare my teeth should anyone get too close. I don't like to admit that there's a problem with me that I don't understand and can't fix. But ultimately? I don't want anyone to worry. So as I'm meditating under the corner office desk, I am interrupted. I'm startled; I'm mortified. I zigzag back to my desk, praying no one catches me crying, and make a bee-line for my car. And again, I meditate. I think... well, minimal damage. One person knew before, now two people know. I'm feel a little better, so I decide to make my way back to my puka. I'm hoping that no one will notice me and that everyone will just leave me alone. But no, while I'm walking back and thinking that I'm alone, I'm ambushed. Now a third person knows. I don't want to answer how I'm feeling, and no, I really don't want to explain anything. I don't care to make conversation and hear how you're sorry. I just want to pretend that everything's normal. Just leave me the hell alone. So now there's two people to whom I've been rude. I continue to be rude as I run away from them. I feel like there's a pack of dogs after me. Back at the puka, I kick myself in the ass for being such a... well... ass. I force myself to make small talk. All the while trying to wish myself alone. I figure it's easier than baring my teeth and then having to apologize afterward. And as I'm congratulating myself on the thought that maybe I can maintain this operation until I'm home, a concerned person calls me out in front of another person. ...who immediately is all concern and comes over to check in on me. My civilized response? I bared my teeth. But, I suppose, the good thing in this is that by now, pretty much everyone has had their hand bitten after offering it to me. I'm left alone for the most part. But let me just say this - if I was dismissive, insulting, and rude to you... it just means that I trust you. I have screwed up ways of paying compliments, but um... yeah, sorry 'bout that.

Did you ever get to feeling better? It's 8:02 pm, and yeah, I've started to finally feel better within the last 30 minutes. This coincides perfectly with my phone call with Ashums. Cuz she's just that awesome.

Why didn't you just go home early? And what, drive into a ditch? Before you ask, I didn't let anyone drive me home because I'm a stubborn-assed, German-blooded Missourian... and well, I don't want to be a burden. I stayed at work until the last stragglers were leaving... at which point I transferred over to my car. Sat there for another 3o minutes until I became hungry and lonely. Lest you be overly concerned, I went from being my typical Speed Racer to Snail Chaser... much to the annoyance of the cars behind me on Coll-Arl.

What can I do to help? Leave me alone. There are only three people (and one snuggly gray furball) that I would let close to me right now. And unless you've let me lay my head in your lap before, you're not one of those three. Don't take it personally when I don't want to talk to you. I'm not feeling well, I'm not sociable, and I certainly do not want to explain any of this again.