Odds and ends

As time goes by, I think I'm becoming more accustomed to the idea of Aaron taking the job in Worcester - pronounced by the natives as "Worster". (Note: I know I've been saying Boston all this time, but it's actually Worcester - I figured nobody would know where I was talking about if I just said that.) Anyhoo.... so yeah. Maybe I'm over the initial panic, but it would (most likely) be a good move for Aaron.

So it's Friday - and Aaron should have been in Worcester now, except that after Aaron had taken the day off and everything, the guy who was going to interview him left town. So, now Aaron is at work and he'll have to reschedule everything with Chung gets back in town. I do think it's very rude of him to tell Aaron that he wants to fly him out for an interview ASAP - heavily stressed that fact - and then when Aaron gets the time off, Chung is nowhere to be seen. I'm sure this is just bad timing and not significant of what to expect if he takes the job... at least, I hope so.

As Aaron has more time to think and talk to his colleagues at work about what to expect when he flies out to Worcester, he's becoming more realistic about what they'll offer him. Like, initially Aaron was saying that oh sure, it's common for these big bio-tech people to put you up in a house a part of the resettlement package. Now, thanks in large part to my realistic butt (never pessimistic, no never!), he's realized that typically all a relocation package means is that they'll pay for the moving out process and maybe help you find an apartment. I hate it that Aaron's got his hopes all up... I'm terrified that he'll just end up being disappointed. It's so much easier to have lower expectations and be happily surprised than to have high expectations and end up shocked and disappointed.

On a completely different topic, I'm trying to finish up my digital portfolio with embedded research paper. All a complete waste of time and energy. They teach us to create meaningful assignments, and yet to graduate you have to create a HUGE (mine's 110+ pages) document that signifies NOTHING. I'm currently working on the lovely 1.1.2.1.1 NCTE standards as part of my evidence that I have met performance indicator 1.2.1. Ok, let's draw this out clearly. I have to write reflections for 10 performance indicators. Now, within the indicator 1.2.1 I have this NCTE standards crap which consists of 11 more reflections. Interestingly enough, these 11 abominidable reflections are nothing but repeats of the 10 performance indicators. And on top of that, it was never clearly stated that I had to do these additional 10 - not until recently. Is there any real reason that I have to repeat myself over and over again? Yep - I have to jump those hoops to graduate. Oh wait... I said real reason. Oh no, none of those. Just hoops. And the crap that I have to prove! Get this - the very first NCTE standard that I have to prove is "Uses standard spoken and written English" Oh, COME ON!! I've just written 110 pages for you - is that competent enough?!

I hate having to pretend that I care about any of this. Do they actually expect us to believe that we're doing something of significance? Moreover, do they actually believe it themselves?

Phantess of the Opera

I am proud to say that I am a Phantom of the Opera fan. I had never experienced the story before the movie, although even before I saw a trailer for it, I knew that the story would become one of my favorites. And I was right. There really is very little I don't enjoy about it... except for perhaps that the movie deviates from the book in certain ways that I don't approve. But really now, what movie has ever faithfully follow the book?

I'll try not to use this post for unabashed gushing. I'm sure you can find that on any fan site. I just want to share my love of a great and timeless story. And, ugh... the MUSIC! If there is one thing more closely tied to my hearts strings than literature, it is music. I'll admit this - I bawl my eyes out Every Single Time that Eric sings "Christine, I love you" at the end of the song "Point of No Return". Mass boo hooing like someone killed my mother. I don't know what overcomes me... I know it's coming... not like I encourage it.

There's probably nothing much more pathetic than a grown woman watching a movie for the umpteenth time singing along with the characters through gasping sobs and salty rivlets. What a mess.

What is it about this movie that draws me in so completely each time? ....... Oh, I guess I know... but... somehow... it wouldn't be right to put it into words. Makes it sound cheesy and simplistic.

I am quite proud to announce that although my husband would like to finish off the Phantom with his own punjab lasso, I have successfully recruited my niece over to the dark side (away from the garish light of day). She, my wonderful protogee, has then gotten her friend to love the movie. Add into the mix both of our mothers, and I'm surrounded by a devoted PotO fanclub. It's nice to have somebody with whom I can debate about "should Christine have gone with Eric" or "why does the Phantom tell the theatre owners to send his salary 'return of post'" Pressing questions, I assure you. :)

Sigh.... all this talk about the Phantom makes me want to watch the movie again, lol. Guess I know what I'll be doing tomorrow!

Spooks

Strange, how beliefs can change. I never believed in spirits, ghosts, spooks, all that sort of nonsense. Until recently I experienced it firsthand. I could relate literally dozens of stories that very close and personal friends whom I literally would trust with my life - people who are highly intelligent and respected by high ranking people. Not just some anybody, you know? I dunno, I guess I just want to say that real people believe these things, have experienced amazing and otherwise unexplainable things. I don't want this all to seem the realm of weirdos and crackpipes.
Anyway, a family friend in the realty business owns a house that he's remodeling. I went with my mom, his dad and sister to visit. They asked that I bring my digital camera with me. Apparently, the house is well known for having spirits in it and a guy not too long ago had unexpectedly dropped by and took some pictures in the basement. When he printed the pics, white and colored orbs appeared, always in different places. So they wanted me to come and see if I could replicate what happened. I didn't expect anything to happen. In fact, when we were all in the basement, we didn't see or feel anything at all. I thought it was all just a waste of time. Now I printed off quite a few pictures - many had nothing, some had something. Interesting enough, I took at least two pictures of each spot - so you can tell that it's not something defective with the camera - the orbs moved. It's such a weird feeling... to see my pictures. The pictures I've posted here have only been lightened up a little so that the orbs are a little clearer. I just want to make that very clear because I'm always skeptical of pictures like this. I own Photoshop CS - I know very well how easy it is to fake pictures. Anyway... I guess I'm just posting this because I don't want this topic to be seen as hoaxy. There's something to it, and it's worth looking into. Everybody's heading back to the house middle of next month to meet with a psychic. The owner of the house and a few others have met with her before. Long story short - I have absolutely no reason to doubt. I look forward to hearing what she has to say.

Day Two, Family

Less than 24 hours from when Aaron told me the big Boston news. Last night when we went to bed I broke down and bawled my head off. It's not the thought of moving to a huge city that has me worried. (Although it does.) It's not my abrupt career change (and uncertain career future) that worries me. (Althought it does.) It's not about leaving all of my friends several states behind; it's not about being torn from everything I've ever known and dumped suddenly in the middle of uncertainty and unknown. Or relocating and trying to find housing or the rapidity with which all of this might be happening. (Although all of this is.)

What made me break down and cry until I nearly made myself sick was the thought of leaving Ashley and my momasita. I'm not saying that I won't miss all of my family - that's not at all what I'm saying. But Ash and Mom... they rank right up there with food, water, dry roof, warm clothes and Aaron. To not be an integral part of their lives - to not see them on the weekends - to miss out on so much of their lives - to not be a part of their lives. To only see them once or twice a year?!

It's not like I have to see them every second of every day. When I was in Kirksville, I was perfectly okey dokey being away from my family. The difference, however, is that at any given time - if my family needed me - I was only a short 2-hour drive away. Something going on for the weekend? I was there. Wanted to talk to Mom? Hwy. 63 all the way. I was still a present and active member of the family.

In Boston? It's a whole chasm. Seems that way to me anyway. I wouldn't be part of the family anymore. Well, not an active part of the family. If I came to visit Jeanette? I'd be company. I'd be a special visit which requires a clean house and clean hair.

... Aaron got next Friday off to fly out to Boston for the interview. I may be going with him. Aaron asked the recruiter if they would likely pay for my airfare as well - who replied that it was most likely possible, since I'm an integral part of the decision factor. Granted, the recruiter can't definitively speak for Chung (guy who's hired the recruiter)... but still, the recruiter should know what he's talking about. Assuming that I do get to go with Aaron, I'm excited. I've never been in an airport before, let alone flown in a plane. And Aaron's flown to TX a couple of times, so I can count on him to know what we're doing. I really would like to be out there so that I can get a feel for the area. And, hopefully we can spend an extra day out there checking things out. ... Still, Aaron just now said that they probably won't fly me out until after his interview - not until they offer him the job and help us start looking for a place to live. I don't like this. I want an idea of what I'm getting into before things get too far. Grrr!

If only I didn't have a new job with a year contract... if only my family weren't so important and close to me. I wouldn't really have any major problems with relocating out there. And it would be exciting, a big adventure.

I guess there's no point to stress about all this too much.. at least until we know more.

Babies and Boston

Took care of my friend's 7 1/2 week old baby boy today. I was kind of hoping that it would kinda act like birth control - that it would make me realize that I don't really want a baby. So much for that. Granted, I only had him for 8 hours... and I know that I didn't even start to get a taste of how hellish it can be for a mom... but... *sigh* even when he was wailing like the next Pavarati, I still wanted one of my own. Two years ago I would never have imagined that my mommy instincts would kick in like this.

Don't get me wrong - I saw how my friend was stressed, how she cries for hours at night because she doesn't know what to do and is exhausted. I know that it would make sense to have a baby right now. Aaron and I aren't ready for it; I know that. He just got offered (basically) a very lucrative job near Boston; I'm starting my first year teaching at Blair Oaks. Financially and all things logistically we're just not ready. And, I have to be honest that neither he, I, nor we are ready all that having a baby would entail emotionally, relationship-wise, etc.

I just wish we were at that stage in our lives where having a baby made sense. I want that house with a big back yard, two stable incomes, and yeah, I want those cooing noises that only a newborn can make.

The baby's mom has a really hard time with him - colicky, always cries, never sleeps, can't keep food down. But... today? Barely cried at all, slept like a dream, kept all his food down, and was all smiles and giggles and cooes when he was awake. At Sears, he was crying for her and she couldn't get him to stop - I took him and he calmed down... I think it kinda hurt mom's feelings. I felt so bad for her... deadbeat dad, no child support, baby just had surgery, would have gotten fired from her job if she'd taken one more day off for her baby.... and then to feel like you're not a good mom. At least I could help her out for today.

...

So yeah... potential job offer from Boston. Flying Aaron out for an interview as soon as he can get the time off. "Money is not an issue." Fantastic career move - what he's doing now but also cloning and stem cell research for humans... finding cures and stuff like that. Aaron says that there's "huuuuuge money in that" cuz it's developmental research and you get the grant for what you develop. Stock options, lucrative pay. The job is everything he's looking for...

In Boston.

Assuming that we accept the job, Aaron would probably move out there before the end of July, so... we'd live hundreds of miles apart for like 10 months. I guess I could technically back out of my contract .... I dunno... I don't really want to leave this job. It's such a great school. That, and I'd feel really bad if i did it..... plus, what would I do once we moved? I wouldn't have a job, and I couldn't get a teaching job so late in the season. I suppose I could just get any ol' job to pass the time and the bills...

Boston!!

Ok, actually some suburb type city that got sucked into the metro that Boston is... some W* word... but still, big city! like a suburb of NYC at this point... one big hell from New York to DC. An unending chain of the angry buzzing. STL on steroids. Some corporation ate the countryside and belched up pavement.

No family.
Me. Aaron. Alone.

alone. no ash, no mum. alone.

If all this does come to pass, I hope it is worth it. I hate change. I'm scared shitless.

Warping young minds

Since going to K'ville to meet with my advisor, I've discovered that my digital portfolio, namely my research, wasn't ripped to shreds. I'm better off than I feared. So now that I don't' have to worry about that, I'm starting to think more about August... and all that that entails. In many ways I'm glad that I don't have any sort of guidelines or effective curriculum to follow - means I can do whatever I want a lot of the time - but still, that's a lot of emptiness that I have to fill. It's not like a math class where there is a logical procession from one lesson to the next and everything you're supposed to teach is spelled out and all you have to determine is HOW to teach it. With English, there is a TON of things I could teach. I have to consider what skills to teach, what things to read, what to write.... everything. That's a lot to consider. My problem is that without any guidelines at all, I can't make up my mind what to include in the year and what to leave out. I keep second guessing myself. It doesn't help that I don't even have textbooks to use as a guideline!! This should be an interesting year!

Naive, yeah sure

My niece and I were coming back from BHS yesterday - getting the keys to my new room - and "Staying Alive" came on. I thought, "Hey, l've never watched Saturday Night Fever; it'll be a laugh." So there we were anticipating polyester suits, flashy light dance floors and gyrating hips. We got, well, we got a little bit of reality. I have to admit: I'm a naive little sheltered white girl in a lot of ways. I couldn't believe that I was sitting on the couch next to my 15 y/o niece watching this stuff. I mean, even Travolta's character - the lead guy I was expecting to love - was a jerk! No no, not just a jerk... but a womanizing prick. I kept waiting for a miraculous 180 and all of the guys to suddenly realize the error of their ways. And the movie ended; my jaw was still dropped.

I look at Ash - and I realize that I knew all along that this sort of thing exists. I just didn't want her to realize it. And I could either try to ignore what had just happened, try to sweep it under the proverbial rug, or I could seize the opportunity to talk about the issues. And once again I'm amazed - she's one smart cookie. No, we didn't have one of those Photoshopped conversations where everything is discussed in the perfect way and everything turns out perfectly... in fact I realized for a split second how terrifying it would be to have my own kid that age - I was crap at this serious talk stuff... but within the conversation that we did have I realized that Ash is a lot smarter than I, or most of her family, give her credit for. I couldn't hand wrap all of the wisdom that I've accumulated over the years. But I know she'll be able to walk this crazy tightrope and find that wisdom on her own. And I guess that's a little bit reassuring.