Babies and Boston

Took care of my friend's 7 1/2 week old baby boy today. I was kind of hoping that it would kinda act like birth control - that it would make me realize that I don't really want a baby. So much for that. Granted, I only had him for 8 hours... and I know that I didn't even start to get a taste of how hellish it can be for a mom... but... *sigh* even when he was wailing like the next Pavarati, I still wanted one of my own. Two years ago I would never have imagined that my mommy instincts would kick in like this.

Don't get me wrong - I saw how my friend was stressed, how she cries for hours at night because she doesn't know what to do and is exhausted. I know that it would make sense to have a baby right now. Aaron and I aren't ready for it; I know that. He just got offered (basically) a very lucrative job near Boston; I'm starting my first year teaching at Blair Oaks. Financially and all things logistically we're just not ready. And, I have to be honest that neither he, I, nor we are ready all that having a baby would entail emotionally, relationship-wise, etc.

I just wish we were at that stage in our lives where having a baby made sense. I want that house with a big back yard, two stable incomes, and yeah, I want those cooing noises that only a newborn can make.

The baby's mom has a really hard time with him - colicky, always cries, never sleeps, can't keep food down. But... today? Barely cried at all, slept like a dream, kept all his food down, and was all smiles and giggles and cooes when he was awake. At Sears, he was crying for her and she couldn't get him to stop - I took him and he calmed down... I think it kinda hurt mom's feelings. I felt so bad for her... deadbeat dad, no child support, baby just had surgery, would have gotten fired from her job if she'd taken one more day off for her baby.... and then to feel like you're not a good mom. At least I could help her out for today.

...

So yeah... potential job offer from Boston. Flying Aaron out for an interview as soon as he can get the time off. "Money is not an issue." Fantastic career move - what he's doing now but also cloning and stem cell research for humans... finding cures and stuff like that. Aaron says that there's "huuuuuge money in that" cuz it's developmental research and you get the grant for what you develop. Stock options, lucrative pay. The job is everything he's looking for...

In Boston.

Assuming that we accept the job, Aaron would probably move out there before the end of July, so... we'd live hundreds of miles apart for like 10 months. I guess I could technically back out of my contract .... I dunno... I don't really want to leave this job. It's such a great school. That, and I'd feel really bad if i did it..... plus, what would I do once we moved? I wouldn't have a job, and I couldn't get a teaching job so late in the season. I suppose I could just get any ol' job to pass the time and the bills...

Boston!!

Ok, actually some suburb type city that got sucked into the metro that Boston is... some W* word... but still, big city! like a suburb of NYC at this point... one big hell from New York to DC. An unending chain of the angry buzzing. STL on steroids. Some corporation ate the countryside and belched up pavement.

No family.
Me. Aaron. Alone.

alone. no ash, no mum. alone.

If all this does come to pass, I hope it is worth it. I hate change. I'm scared shitless.