Green Tongue Means Poison

Random bits from a chat online:
a: so how has ur day been up to this point? any motorcycle chases? explosions? assassination atempts?
e: nah, very boring. just a pirate attack from the neighboring office
a: sweet. any booty?
e: nah... just a bunch of moldy government documents and a Streamline stapler
a: yar! that be no booty!
e: so i shoved a captive off the plank into the jaws of a great white staple remover. and u?
a: i've been hanging out with that j-- girl and she's nice and all, but i just don't feel anyhting. i just don't like to reject girls and hurt their feelings. i feel guilty.
e: don't feel guilty. just be hon.... on second thought, go ahead and feel guilty. i mean... if you weren't such a damned sexy beast of epic chick-magnet-tude, this wouldn't be such a problem!