why is it

why is it that when i am miserable, you must be miserable as well?

misery or honesty, they are both the same

insecurity

First day of the last month

A Mrs. Karwoski has officially been hired to replace me by the end of the first quarter - October 14th. Within 7 days of interviewing her, they offered her the job, she accepted, and she began her first days in the classroom. Including last week, she'll have three weeks of "transition time" - three weeks of me still being the Teacher, where she can basically just sit there and watch. I've tried to have her do a few things as Teacher, but with the classes finishing up their short stories, a lot of time is given to the students to work on rough drafts. She will have the last week with the Juniors all to herself, though. It'l be curious to see how that goes. It'll be nice to go to school knowing that all I have to do is sit there and grade papers. Course, I won't really be doing a lot of "teaching" this week either, not with all the kids in the computer lab writing.

Anyhoo, everything's going well on the Blair Oaks end. I'm trying to work with Mum and Dad on how to get my tush and my remaining possessions out of Monica and Cory's basement and down to Cordova. If I wait until Dad has a Friday off, I won't go down until the 28th. That means hanging around here for 2 weeks... doing nothing but sitting on my butt. I'll probably drive down by myself as soon as possible, and then on the 28th, meet Mum and Dad at some point in Arkansas and then lead them back to our apartment. Minor technicalities, really... main point is that a tangible deadline is near at hand.

I'm still having issues with Aaron and Nikki... even though when I look at the situation logically, I know I shouldn't. But they went to a movie last night, and she invited him to some friends' place tonight - where I found him at 10pm when I last called. He's honest and open about everything - not like he's trying to sneak around anything. And I should be happy that he has somebody down there - that he isn't all alone. And I run through all the reasons I should be fine with this. But I never can quite reach that point. I know he's not cheating on me, physically or emotionally; yet I still can't get over jealousy issues. He's making new friends, and all I can feel is that he's moving on without me. I don't like it one bit that he's creating a new life down in Memphis without me. He calls me, or I call him, every night, we talk all the time. He called me last night - after he got back from the movies with Nikki, and for 45 minutes talked about minor stuff - saying that even if he didn't have anything to talk about, he just wanted me on the line, because he missed me. And yet I can't shake these negative feelings. Why am I so controlling? I don't own him. I just want 110% of his time, thoughts, everything. How irrational. So insecure, really. That's what it all boils down to. Society has screwed me over on this one. You should be insecure about how you look. Accomplished. A relationship is between only two people and any other person who gets too close is deemed a threat. Priviledged access to body, heart, and soul. Accomplished. Be insecure about yourself and your control over relationships. Fear pain, loss, isolation - control your partner to ensure you are never alone. Trust is for fools. All accomplished. Insecurity reigns.

On a more positive note, cuz hey, what isn't positive about that last rant? Aaron's head bosses, Dr. Ke and Dr. Kutteh asked for my resume and are currently out spreading it around to people they know. Aaron said that there might even be an opening some place. It's hard to say what will come of all of this. I really have no idea what will come of me when I do finally make it to Cordova. I still haven't finished filling out the Substitute Teacher application. Apparently I have to take another TB test, have an interview, AND take a training session! I'm not thinking ahead very well. I'm more concerned with just getting down there, not what I'll do once I'm there.

Once I'm there... so many questions. So much newness, uncertainty. I wonder how I'll handle it all.

End in Sight, I Think

It's amazing how quickly things can change in a week! Well, maybe not a lot has changed... Aaron's still in Memphis without me, I'm still at Blair Oaks teaching... but the outlook for my prospective replacements has significantly improved over just the last 3 work days. I found two interested people - and Blair Oaks found two people. One of mine hasn't gotten back to us in awhile, his loss *shrug*. Two interviews on Friday, one today. This last one seems to be the perfect match, according to Mr. Matlick. And she apparently materialized out of thin air to boot. Matlick even went so far as to admit that he's been "gushing" about her all day long since he's so excited to not just have found a band-aid, but a quality teacher he hopes will stick around. Which, that's a pretty darn amazing find, seeing as most quality teachers are, well, teaching this time of year.

So I should be able to quietly slip out of my contract at the end of the quarter - Oct. 14 would be my last day. This new girl, Heidi K-something or other sounds like she wants to meet up with me before the end of the semester and make the transition of Power a smooth one. (Doesn't Power with a capital P seem so much more athoritative?) :)

Aaron's loving his new job - what he's doing, the people he's working with, everything. Needless to say (but I'm going to anyway), I'm thrilled - and relieved. Wouldn't that just suck if I had quit my job and been replaced just in time for Aaron to decide that the new job just isn't a good fit? He's even got a friend... the boss's daughter. Ok, so maybe not the ideal situation, but he's been pretty lonely down there all by himself. Is it wrong for me to hope she's butt ugly? Aaron and I have a fantastic relationship based on all that shtuff that couples are supposed to have in theory but rarely actually do... you know, shtuff like trust, honesty, communication. And I do trust Aaron... but this society is built off of insecurity and suspicion... and heaven knows I am insecure. It didn't help that Monica doesn't hold Aaron in high regards. It seems she's more than ready to look negatively upon him. Granted, he dug his own hole this time... but I know how this looks and I'd rather she not have this to add to her list of reasons to frown upon his every move.

I know Aaron comes off badly sometimes... but why do people have to be so judgemental?

I am happy to have this basement and situation in general, though. Beyond measure. What I would have done without Monica and Cory offering up their home is beyond me. Not only do I have friends at a stone's throw whenever I'm lonely, but I have the entire basement to myself - AND Monica's homecooked meals every night. I feel bad saying anything that might sound ungrateful... it just hurts me to know that as hard as Aaron tried to please them, he still wasn't good enough. At first I was ashamed... how terrible is that? I talked to Aaron and made it out like everything was all his fault, that he needed to be more aware of social cues. Which, this is true, he comes on strong a lot. But it's not just his fault.

Anyway... I could ramble on and on and on about this...

This weekend Mom and I went to Art in the Park which was fantastic - beautiful art all over the park, Das Stein Haus German food, and a kick-butt live jazz band! Aaron's coming into Jeff next weekend (!!!!) for Dad's hayride. I can't wait to see him...to HUG!! him even! I've invited two co-workers from school, both middle-aged women whom I adore. Hopefully they'll have a blast.

Homecoming is this week... interesting, to say the least. At least we have shortened days Thurs. and Friday. Can't complain there. Only a month left before the quarter's over!

Did I say that?

Did I say Oklahoma City? What I really meant was Memphis. Yeah, that's it... they're easily confused. Approximately an hour before Aaron called OKC to ACCEPT the job, he (for some unknown and crazy reason) decided to submit his application for a nearly identical job in Memphis, TN. A few short days later, after confirming everything with Integris, Aaron gets a call from Memphis. Significant pay increase mentioned, Aaron was soon shuffled onto a plane to check things out for himself. After a weekend of wining, dining and apartment searching with his future bosses, Aaron decided to change the address on his acceptance letter from OKC to Memphis.

I'm thrilled about the change, even if it is abrupt and chaotic. We had very little time to act, however, and between teaching, moving Aaron's stuff into my sister's shed (temporarily until he can move to Memphis), clearing out of our old apartment, moving into Monica and Corey's basement, and knowing that I'll lose Aaron in less than a week...well, I'm exhausted.

I've also decided to finish out the 1st quarter at Blair Oaks and then join Aaron in Memphis. Mr. Matlick was none too pleased to hear this, as you can well imagine. I've promised to help find possible replacements, but that still isn't going to change the fact that the class will be in turmoil for a while when I leave. A friend with whom I graduated has sent in her resume, although she's certified for business, not English. I know she's be a great teacher though. Mr. Matlick mentioned today that she'd called... rather made it sound like he's leaning towards her being a permanent sub for some maternity leaves, rather than step in for me. Which at least gets her in the door.. but she's not likely to stick around the next year when the then-mom returns to reclaim her position.

I'm glad I've made the decision to follow Aaron in Oct. During the first weeks of school, I was so terrified and depressed that I knew I couldn't use Aaron's new job as an excuse to run away from my fears. But, since then I've gotten my Shi'ite together, and somehow, now that I'm confident and know what I'm doing, I realize that I can leave for the right reasons.

O-ren Ishii Ashenafi Poo Poo Kitty Buck is settling in nicely here in the basement, given the fact that there are, residing in the house, another cat and a large chocolate lab. Miss Princess arrived quite dignified, was checking out the place calmly and curiously... and then a flurry of wet noses, toothy hisses and low gutteral rrrrr's. Sadly, I must admit that, excepting the wet nose, the hissy fit was all O-ren's doing.

It feels so odd to be "home" in somebody else's home. I intrude wherever I step. I'm sure I'll lose weight here since I feel rude just browsing their kitchen for food or drink. Little things... laundry, trash... taking a shower when tee only shower to use is upstairs. Mon's glad I'm here... but I'll be ready to move to Memphis. I can never truly relax here.

So much to do, so little time

I'm still in shock that in less than a month, Aaron will be living in another state. In less than a month, I will be living with Monica and Corey, Aaron will be living in Oklahoma, he will begin his new job at Integris Health (Oklahoma's largest not-for-profit health care organization), and I will be nearing my one-month marker as teacher. And let's not forget all of the fun of that interval between now and then. I, at least, know where I'll be moving. Aaron still has to find a decently priced 2-bedroom apartment that has w/d hookups in the unit and allows cats AND that's near where he works. And I can't even begin to imagine moving all of our crap. We have so much of it! So much useless junk... that I can't seem to part with.

I'm still a little more than a month away from my first paycheck; Aaron has two left, but there'll be a small gap between the old job and the new job's paychecks. I wish I could say that we have a nice buffer to fall back on, but unfortunately we don't. Since May 2004, there have only been 4 months where I have pulled in a very meager check for substituting. During that time, our checking and savings balance managed to stay even. The rest of the time, we've been pulling from my savings. It is officially all but nonexistent. Thank heavens that Integris is giving us a lump $2,000 to cover relocation. Hopefully we'll be able to pocket half of that into savings.

To give is better than to receive, right? Most people are familiar with that saying and would agree with it, especially around Christmas time when society is reminded to act out the roles they've created in Hallmark cards. Wait, where was I going? Oh, Mom. Buddha bless her, but she gives so much - all that she has. Two examples: when she moved into her new apartment recently, she paid each person who helped her move $100 - for a grand total of $700. Now, for my graduation, she paid the entire tab for a dinner of 10 people. She also prepared a huge feast for my grad. party the next day, including homemade meatballs, chicken nuggets, 7-layered salad, brownies, veggie trays and so much more. She bought and prepared all that food, and bought 2 casserole dishes for the event which she then gave to Jeanette and I. She prepared everything, set everything up, and then cleaned everything afterwards. She won't allow anybody to not accept the money, and we can't tie her down to keep her from giving through her actions. She never asks for anything in return except for appreciation. She makes us all feel guilty because we aren't able, or willing, to even the balance. I worry about her. Does she give to feel needed? Does she not realize that she already is? Are we not doing all that we can to show her? ... I love you, Mummy!

Decisions, Made and Otherwise

Two weeks ago Aaron and I went to OK City and this past week we went to Chicago - each for interviews. While in Chicago - during the interview, actually - the people from OK City left Aaron a voice msg offering him the job. He plans on accepting that offer tomorrow. Although we're not sure how quickly they'll want him to start, he will most likely be 7 hours away from me by the end of the month. Aaron is excited about the new job - he'll be working with a human fertility clinic doing much of the same stuff as he is at his current job at MU. One perk, his favorite, is that he will have patient interaction as he gets to explain to future parents what his role in the process will be. I will stay here in Missouri, teaching at Blair Oaks, for at least this fall semester, if not the entire school year. I don't really know what I'll do. I'm giving up an ideal teaching position, and I'm not too happy about that. We'll see how well I can hold out - Aaron or my job. But I at least know that I'll teach my class; I refuse to give it up entirely. I also don't know where I'll live for that period while I'm here in MO. We can't afford to pay his rent in OKC ~and~ the $410 for our apt. here in Jeff City. I don't need these 2-bedrooms all to myself anyway. I'm running through my very limited list of options, and not very comfortable with any of them. If I stay with Mum, there is very limited space. If I stay with friends, I am an unwanted imposition. If I stay with... oh wait, there aren't really any other viable options.


How will I live without Aaron for 4.5-9 months? This blog can't do that issue justice... and if it could, it would only make me that much more miserable. When we mention to people that we'll be living apart for so long, they express concern about how it's hard on relationships. Frankly, that irritates me. Oh, I know they mean well - and it is true, I know. But I honestly am not worried about Aaron's and my relationship. It is too strong to be broken by 7 hours and and 4.5-9 months. When I think about if our love with weather this "crisis", I feel a sense of calm, not anxiety. We will make it through this.

However, when I think about HOW we will weather this crisis, I do feel anxiety... dread... panic. At the end of those 4.5 or 9 months, we will be fine. But for that time in between? I will be a mess. Only rather comforting fact is that I know Aaron will be in the same state... if not the same State.

It has not yet sunk in that by Labor Day, my life will be turned upside down. Little will be the same after this month.

The Way I See It

I've completely restructured how my classes will operate, and it's terrifying. Rather than having the flow of classwork all determined by me, I'm taking a much more student-centered approach. Of course, a month ago I would have said the same about my old plan... but now that I've remodeled, I can see just how wrong I was. Two days of writing workshops where at any given moment, every student will be working on something different in genre, focus, everything. One day of reading workshop where every student is reading independently. And two days of class reading where we all read the same piece together. Granted, I provide structure - or else we would have mass chaos, now wouldn't we. But, it seems that the more control and responsibility I give to the students, the more I have to plan and organize for every single possibility.

My biggest concern - how do I provide grades - give numerical significance - to a type of teaching - the way my workshops are set up - that goes against the whole concept of grades? When it comes to the writing workshops, this is my Waterloo. How can you create a uniform structure to numerically assess students who are all doing their own things, have their own goals, etc? Thank God for Nancy Atwell. Can you believe that up until a few weeks ago, I'd left that gem in the original plasticwrap for like 3 years?

But... it's all slowly working out.

Hey, how do you like my classroom? Doesn't it kick a little tushie?! :) I love how the desks are arranged - really works well for me. I can walk among the students while I'm doing a mini lesson or conferencing. I'm such a dork - I even did the whole thing to scale! lol How pathetic am I?! In case you're curious, the bars with diamond studs are chalkboards or message boards, and the bars with ball studs are windows. I don't actually have any bookshelves though... or all of my desks. I do however have two monstrous contraptions, one of which needs to be burned immediately as it is unusable. I need to hunt me down a custodian and get this stuff all worked out.

Oh, btw - I finally got my Praxis results back (for teaching Middle School English) 195/200 - same as my Secondary English results - woo hoo! I hope BHS reemburses me for that thing, since they required me to take it in the first place.

On to Aaron. We're getting ready to drive to Oklahoma City for the 28-29th of this month... and I've bought the Amtrak tickets for us to head to Chicago for Aug. 3-4. The Chicago trip will be interesting... From Jeff to La Plata to Chicago to La Plata to Kirksville to GRADUATION! to Jeff to GRADUATION PARTY! All in a 4 day span! More interestingly... After I get settled from graduation, I have 3 days before my new teacher orientation for school - and then only 6 days until students arrive!!! :S I really REALLY hope that one of these jobs works out for Aaron, particularly the Chicago job, for Aaron. I want him to have a job that he enjoys. He deserves that. From what we can tell now, this one would be a good move for him.

One (big one) down, two to go

Aaron never got the chance to fly out to Worchester for that interview... the headhunters screwed around and weren't able to fly him out there in time. The job went to somebody closer who was able to get in for an interview in time. I'm surprised that I'm not relieved; at least I know that Aaron won't be moving way out there. He should have at least had the chance to interview for the job. Instead, he got screwed out of everything, even the interview. He still has prospects in Chicago and Oklahoma City... so we'll see. But none of these newer jobs are what Aaron really wants to do, not like the job in MA. I guess we'll just have to see what comes around.

Student as teacher, teacher as student

Since my master's work is complete, I'm concentrating now on preparing for my first teaching job. It's a strange feeling, being the Teacher. I've only ever been the Student. Everytime I stare at the computer and try to plan out the first days or weeks or months, my mind goes blank. It's terrifying that so much depends on lil' ol' me. I know that I've complained about this before... guess it just goes to show that it's an ongoing worry for me. I want so badly to have a great classroom, to be a great teacher. But there are so many facets and details! But, I've found that when I get too panicky, the best thing to do is engulf myself in the wise words of some teaching greats... Atwell, Burke, Beach and Marshall... They help me get back into the right frame of mind, map out my classroom philosophies and sometimes even give me concrete ideas to use. But, I can only handle so much teachery stuff per day. On to Oprah.

TGIF

As of 8 o'clock this beautiful Friday morning, I am finished with the stupid digital portfolio and research component, AND as such, should have smooth sailing and relatively nothing to do from here until graduation.

This comes as an especial delight as I spend this entire past Wednesday in Kirksville working on it. Let me illuminate. I left home at 7 a.m. Arrived on campus at 9. Went to work immediately in the library, meeting up with my advisor around 9:45. During the next TEN hours, my advisor keeps me working. Around 4 she informs me that although she could sign off on my portfolio, she thinks I can do better. Now, honestly, I don't give a rat's behind. I just want to get the whole worthless mess out of my hair and get back home in time for dinner. Which, since it's a two hour drive, would mean I'd have to have left then. I talked to some of the other MAE people up there and found it amazing that their (different) advisors aren't nearly so picky and anal like mine. Their advisors don't obsess about one word on a title page that they don't think is just right. (She wouldn't even believe her bible, the 2005 MLA handbook, so I had to redo everything for her exacting standards.) I apparently got the advisor who actually thinks that this portfolio is meaningful and expects me to feel similarly. She wants perfection. I want good enough. So after working for ten hours, the only reason we quit working was because the lab was closing and they kicked us out. Luckily, I was pretty much finished at that point, and all I needed to do was go home, burn a couple of CDs and print out a copy of the research paper. So as of now, it is OUT OF MY HAIR and is the postal service's problem. I hope I never hear another word about the whole stinking mess.