i find myself forced to write poetry; pen to paper is to press down on the blade, but i seem to thrive on pain. why do happy lines elude me?

Upgrading from Wadded Up Sticky Notes

Office boredom nirvana has been obtained, at least... the construction kit to nirvana. A croissant, hot tea with milk, and instructions to build a trebuchet... what could be better?

Rousseau, Cont.

Herein follow the last of the quotes from The Social Contract. I don't really want to add commentary for them; just putting them out there to be contemplated is enough.

2-9. …A body which is too big for its constitution gives way and falls crushed under its own weight.

2-10. Usurpers always bring about or select troublous times to get passed, under cover of the public terror, destructive laws, which the people would never adopt in cold blood. The moment chosen is one of the surest means of distinguishing the work of the legislator from that of the tyrant.

3-1. I warn the reader that this chapter requires careful reading, and that I am unable to make myself clear to those who refuse to be attentive. (IMO, this should be attached to every PMSO document that goes out, or better yet, edited and tattooed on my forehead.) J

3-2. In a perfect act of legislation, the individual or particular will should be at zero; the corporate will belonging to the government should occupy a very subordinate position; and, consequently, the general or sovereign will should always predominate and should be the sole guide of all the rest. (I wonder what our current legislatorial ratio would be.)

3-4. Were there a people of gods, their government would be democratic. So perfect a government is not for men.

3-6. With a long enough lever, the world could be moved with a single finger; to sustain it needs the shoulders of Hercules.

3-15. As soon as public service ceases to be the chief business of the citizens, and they would rather serve with their money than with their persons, the State is not far from its fall. When it is necessary to march out to war, they pay troops and stay at home: when it is necessary to meet in council, they name deputies and stay at home. By reason of idleness and money, they end by having soldiers to enslave their country and representatives to sell it.

3-15. In a well-ordered city every man flies to the assemblies: under a bad government no one cares to stir a step to get to them, because no one is interested in what happens there, because it is foreseen that the general will will not prevail, and lastly because domestic cares are all-absorbing.

4-1. When, among the happiest people in the world, bands of peasants are seen regulating affairs of State under an oak, and always acting wisely, can we help scorning the ingenious methods of other nations, which make themselves illustrious and wretched with so much art and mystery?

4-1. Finally, when the State, on the eve of ruin, maintains only a vain, illusory and formal existence, when in every heart the social bond is broken, and the meanest interest brazenly lays hold of the sacred name of "public good," the general will becomes mute: all men, guided by secret motives, no more give their views as citizens than if the State had never been; and iniquitous decrees directed solely to private interest get passed under the name of laws.

4-3. …In a State that is well constituted, [good sense, justice, and integrity] are common to all the citizens.

4-7. Men always love what is good or what they find good; it is in judging what is good that they go wrong.

Love of a Literary Life

I’m thrilled to be back to my zen-level of reading five or so books concurrently. Lily Bart has grown stale, and though I love Edith Wharton and appreciate good social commentary (especially from that time period), I cannot truly love such a weak heroine. So I have paused this book momentarily, and as I have read it twice before, I don’t think I will loose any sleep over it. I’m nearly finished with Wakefield Hall and having found my mind no further improved, am not impressed. I still continue reading Siddhartha online at work; in fact, I’m rereading it again even though I just finished it. Add to this my new reads: The Social Contract, as just mentioned in my previous blog, and Atlas Shrugged, for which I was compelled to reduce my computer room to a field mine of scattered piles of books.

…which, in my frenzied quest for a specific book, forced me to face the undeniable truth – I must put my books back in order. They are my babies, after all, and as “out of sight, out of mind” is not an option for me, I just have to grit my teeth and turn librarian for a few hours. I’m sure I’ll be adding a few more books to my current reading list when I do… I saw several books, in the fleeting moments of a glace before I tossed them aside and continued my search for Ayn Rand, that I had been meaning to read (or reread, as the case may be) but had simply forgotten. My poor neglected books!

I also want an excuse to use the words “seditious,” "plethora," and “fecundity” in a sentence. Or better yet, all together! :D

Luncheon Retreat

Breaking out of my shell is such a wonderful feeling. A poor self-image is difficult enough for me to battle. Add to it a paralyzing fear of other’s judgment and a need to be liked, and it is no surprise that I often find myself wondering if my public persona is a mask. Or I suppose, identifying which mask it is. I don’t think that, fundamentally, there is anything wrong with sharing different aspects of my personality at varying levels depending on the social context… but I tire of having to, correction – feeling like I have to – analyze, analyze, analyze everyone around me so that I know which mask to wear.

Aaron has such a unilateral, direct approach that is enviably WYSIWYG. Although I often think that he has rather too little regard for context and setting, I do envy that ballsy approach. Together we make a great pair: I get him to think before speaking; he gets me to speak without thinking.

Today I rediscovered how liberating and wonderful it is to be myself, kicking off heels to jump through brush, discussing plans to make a hammock retreat in the trails behind work, sharing those stories and philosophies that I often hide... finding not distrust, apprehension, or misunderstanding, but a reflection.

Rousseau

I am currently reading Rousseau’s Social Contract online in an attempt to stay awake after lunch, having expediently completed all work and been abandoned by everyone in my office. As I normally mark up my nonfiction books with all sorts of comments and underlines, and as I can not exactly do this to an online book, I thought I’d share some quotes that stood out for me.

(Book-Chapter.)

1-1. Man is born free; and everywhere he is in chains.

(How ironic that I was just sent an email with this picture.)

1-4. To renounce liberty is to renounce being a man, to surrender the rights of humanity, and even its duties.

1-4. These principals…are not based on the authority of poets, but derived from the nature of reality and based on reality.

2-2. Truth is no road to fortune.

2-7. We should not…conclude from this that politics and religion have among us a common object, but that, in the first periods of nations, the one is used as an instrument for the other.

I'm only about 3/4 through the book from today's reading... I'll see if I remember to post quotes as I continue reading.

I wonder...

I wonder how any facets to my personality there are... and I wonder how any people really know most of those...

If I were to spontaneously transform into a musical... I would have to include...
(yikes... looking through iTunes now... realizing that I may have to include them all, lol, just to be fair.... this is not going to be easy.)

• "Head Over Feet" by Alanis Morissette - Although there are a lot of songs for Aaron, this is my first song for him. Aaron's songs would also have to include "When I Met You" by Kenny Wayne Sheppard.
  
• "Where's Your Head At" by Basement Jaxx - Lol, I think of all the songs that represent my goofiness, this is my favorite. I also love the music video for this song.
  
• "When the Stars Go Blue" by the Coors, featuring Bono from U2 - I have several, several songs that immediately get me to close my eyes and sway, but this one...we go way back. This is Anne mood at it's finest.
• "Landslide" by Fleetwood Mac - for my ex-fiance... although I have a few more that dredge up those memories, including some NIN and even some Moody Blues.
  
• "Dearest" from the anime series InuYasha - I know I already have an Anne mood song... but my life wouldn't be complete without my love affair with anime and just that feeling that this song inspires.
• "Hurt" by Johnny Cash - I can't say that this is for any one specific moment of my life, but for all of those times that I left myself over-analyze myself into a hole. This song... like so many others... can instantly transform my mood, my perceptions.
• "The Highwayman" by Loreene McKennitt - Ok, ok, This is another song that inspires my Anne mood, but this is THE Anne mood song. In Anne of Green Gables, Anne recites this poem, bringing everyone to tears. It is actually tied to the books/movies in addition to inspiring the mood, so it has to be included.
  
• "Phenomenon" by Animal from The Muppets - For when I channel my childhood and that pure enjoyment of simplicity.
• "Tonight and the Rest of my Life" by Nina Gordon - One of my all time favorite love songs.
• "Hypnotize" and pretty much anything by System of a Down - Encompassing many political beliefs and viewpoints. As an earlier post showed, I'm not exactly a conservative, lol.
• "Love to Love You" by Donna Summers - Everybody needs to have this song in their life's musical. In fact, lol, we should all sing it more often.
  
• "Let Me Go" by 3 Doors Down - Ok, so this song isn't perfect for representing a certain aspect of my personality, per se, although I love the song, but it would try to represent how only a handful of people really know who I am and how different aspects of my personality are "real and make-believe," so to speak.
• "Don't Let Me Get Me" by Pink - Although I was never the rebel girl in this song, I certainly battle with insecurity and a heaping dose of self-criticism.
• "Daddy's Hands" by Reba McIntyre - On the surface, this song is about my relationship with Dad, him reading me bedtime stories, piling brush on the farm, even the horrible years during and after the divorce. It reminds me of working with Dad in the garage, working on the bandsaw or planer, and crawling like a billygoat all over the Sandrock on the farm. This song isn't just about Dad, but ultimately about so much that represents a part of my childhood.
  

Hmm... looking back at this list now, I know I'm missing so many elements that should be represented. But, for just a quick, off-the-top-of-my-head list, it's a decent start.

The Paparazzi just can't seem to leave me alone

Wow. I'm at a temporary loss for words. The last thing I expected when visiting my co-worker's blog was a post with two pictures of myself, husband, and friends at the Redbirds game this Sunday! You can read her post and my comment therein for my initial reaction. :)

Apparently, one of Aaron's co-workers, whose granddaughter was also singing the National Anthem, spotted him at the game also. She didn't walk over and say hi, however, because she saw Aaron sitting next to Monica and thought something was afoul, lol. How she missed Corey sitting to the other side of Monica... or how she missed me especially since I was in my seat for 98% of the game is beyond me. Rather goes to show how people can be so quick to judge and jump to the worst conclusions about others.

Monday, Monday

Another work-related post! I'll have to share all the good times from this weekend with Monica and Cory, but that will have to wait until I have a bit more time to devote.

Today's post is brought to you by The Mamas and The Papas to the tune of "Monday, Monday".

Monday, Monday,
So good to me.
Monday, Monday,
It was all I hoped it would be.

I deviated from my routine Friday afternoon when I left work... resulting in a co-worker meeting me on the shoulder of the road outside the base to hand-deliver my CAC card. Given my abhorrence to others seeing my mistakes/flaws, you might imagine how embarrassed I was to make the call to GeeDub. But the world didn't fall off its axis and I managed to survive the wee bit of teasing. Actually, I was surprised at the lack thereof...

Today was a great day - so great was it that it doesn't even need any qualifiers like "for a Monday". Nothing spectacular occurred, just another day where I drive home amazed at how much I love my job, co-workers, lack of stress, etc. There may be a downside to all this happiness though, I've discovered. I'm not a slow driver, ahem. I also am skilled at navigating winding country roads at, shall we say, rather exciting speeds. Normally there is just enough traffic - and just enough of my conscience - to keep from zipping down Coll-Arl Rd. at breakneck speed. Normally. To make matters worse, song after song (to which I was, of course, singing lead) was upbeat and in tempo with my mood. Thank goodness I never passed a cop... lol. In between songs, I would notice the speed and slow back down... but the next song would always suck me in to it again.

Travel arrangements were made today for the NOLA trip. Window seats in the front, king-sized bed all to myself.

Discovered what I am calling "The Avenue" with PukaBuddy today at lunch. A long expanse of grass flanked by massive oaks along the entire expanse. I was immediately in one of my Anne moods and could have just lain on the grass there for hours on end.

Oh! How could I forget - I'm working at getting my 8th grade English counterpart a spot as doc spec at work. She is currently, in fact, at the interview at Bennigan's. Just like mine. I hope she gets/takes the job! Guess I'll have to call her up tomorrow to find out! :)

And - hahaha... I have heard rumor that two co-workers really got into it today. What I would have given to have seen that! Oh my.... classic. And long over due apparently. Tomorrow will be interesting. I think I'd rather have a pic-a-nic-esque lunch on the trail behind my building, especially if the farewell lunch is strained and awkward.... but I'll have to wait and see how things play out. Now, if I cop out of the lunch like I was rather planning, it will look like I'm snubbing certain people and taking sides after the fight. The last thing I want is to play - or appear to be playing - stupid games. I'd much rather be Switzerland.

Meeting are bad, but NOLA is fun.

I know I've mentioned before that I'll be going to New Orleans (NOLA) for work, but to be quite honest, it just doesn't seem real. Until the confirmations have been made in my name, and until I have the plane tickets in my hand, I keep waiting for the bottom to drop out and for someone to inform me that I won't be attending anymore. But today at the end of the meeting, LCDR mentioned the impending trip... and that got me all excited again. I now know where I'll be staying: the Marriott on 555 Canal St. We'll check in on Monday and check out on Thursday.

So as mind-numbing and overwhelming as these meetings are, I'm still looking forward to the trip; I just concentrate on the travel aspect and not the 8 solid hours of capturing confusing conversation.

Meeting De Jour

Today is the second of a pair of day-long meetings here on base. It's my first time taking minutes for such a large group and am therefore very glad that M. is next to me taking notes. There are approximately 30 people in the room which is tricky, but my biggest problem is that I largely don't have a clue what they are talking about. The language, the processes, the systems - everything is foreign to me. And then to just icing the cake, people don't talk in coherent sentences - they jump around from from the middle of one sentence to the beginning of one they started five sentences back to just complete chaos. Just finding the subject and verb for me can be a very difficult task. When will I feel confident that I'm competent?

Yesterday I put in a 9.25 hour day, and I'm curious what today will entail. And, oh look, time to go back. Woo hoo!

Fatty Ms. Fat-fat

I WEIGH 150 LBS!

This is the second time in my LIFE that I've weighed this much! Changes must be implemented immediately. I can NOT go over 150, do ya hear?! I've started working out M/W/F with some work buddies over our lunch break... but that is inconsistent. Diet must change... ugh. Not looking forward to that at all.

How am I gaining weight?! All I ever do at work is drink my fruity water! *wah* ;'( Woe is me, and woe unto anyone who offers me a doughnut.

Busy weekend

Interesting weekend to say the least. I met up with some old school buddies Friday afternoon at On the Border. What initially started out as a bust (the person whom I’d wanted to meet up with had to cancel) quickly became the craziest evening I’ve had in…. ever? What started as three women calmly sipping margaritas and swapping classroom stories soon got a shot of adrenaline when the waiter gave me a shot of Patrón tequila, saying that someone had ordered it but left it behind. After sharing it with Heather, we quickly decided that no one would abandon Patrón but that if they waiter wanted to give us free drinks, we certainly wouldn’t complain. Moments later, the waiter returns to suggest that we each order another round as someone inside (we were on the patio) was paying for all of our alcohol. I must say at this point that I didn’t ask for anything as I really don’t like feeling beholden to anyone… course, that didn’t stop another margarita from being handed to me, lol. As Heather and Charlotte grilled our waiter to learn the identity of our benefactor, out walked the mother of one of our students whom H. and Ch. know quite well. Let us call her “Mrs. B,” and she was nothing if not a riot. She flirted with the waiter for the rest of us since we would not do it for ourselves and certainly made sure that none of us went thirsty. We eventually moved locations to her restaurant where Aaron and Josh, H.’s boyfriend, joined us partly because we wanted their company and partly because we needed sober chauffeurs. After dealing with Ch.'s rotten boyfriends and sharing cell phone pics, we eventually settled in to a wonderful meal. Although I’ll save the specific details and stories in my memory, suffice to say that the evening was a blast, as you might imagine.

Completely contrary to our normal weekend habits (read: next to nothing), Saturday was also an eventful day with the KKFAM’s Miracle Baby celebration. I was expecting a small-ish gathering with punch and gift bags… what greeted me as I walked into the picnic area behind the clinic was more like a carnival, complete with two jumping houses, a balloon artist, face painter, duck pond with prizes, and huge tent with food and prizes. I joined Aaron’s station at the duck pond helping give away miniature beach balls and goofy animal hats to every baby that splashed in the water. What an amazing site to see so many multiples in one place! Twins were a dime a dozen and even quadruplets were seen in two double strollers. And such an awful lot of Gerber babies that I wanted to pick them up at random and hug them all.

A Dedication to Squirrelly Wrath

This post is dedicated
to the squirrel
who had to choose between
a Toyota Celica and a Honda Civic.
He chose the Civic.

http://www.hackwriters.com/squirrelstory.htm Thanks to Redblur for the forward! Be sure to check out the link to read a HILARIOUS story, previewed below, about another squirrel who chose a different path.

never dreamed that slowly cruising on my motorcycle through a residential neighborhood could be co incredibly dangerous! Little did I suspect!

....Picture a large man on a huge black and chrome cruiser, dressed in jeans, and a tee-shirt, and leather gloves, puttering at maybe 25 mph down a quiet residential street, and in the fight of his life with a squirrel. And losing...

I need a quick break from work... so I blog

A moment in time at work:

I am working at overhauling a survey while simultaneously trying to look up the current condition of New Orleans since Big Kahuna 1 just pulled me into her office to ask me if I'd rather stay in the St. Charles parish, the French quarter, or downtown. I'm not sure how long I'll be down there, but it'll be sometime in the first week of June. Big Kahuna 1 was so sweet, asking me my preferences and going out of her way to make sure that I got to take the best advantage over visiting NOLA. Of course, I told her that I'd never been and so my preferences were really nothing more than a blind guess... at which point I started to see her mental gears churning. She said that she'd do a little research by word of mouth to see what the area is like and which area would be best.

Currently overheard two pukas down -
Guy 1: You should really take a walk on the trails after work. The forest out back is just wonderful. The scent of honeysuckle, you can see cardinals, no traffic noise. I love to walk the trails for a few minutes after work to listen to nature.
Guy 2: Not a bad idea.
Guy 1: It's a wonderful way to unstress after work. It's cooler in the shade of the trees; you can't beat it.
Guy 3: --And then you find a Victoria's Secret catalog.

To do the other guys credit, they didn't touch Guy 3's addition to the conversation. But it was kinda funny to hear the awkward silence while they tried to pick the conversation back up.

Hey, wait, did I mention that I'm going to NOLA? My very first plane ride! Horray! :D

My Political Orientation

www.politicalcompass.org/ is a fun website that helps you place yourself on a political spectrum in which the x-axis represents your position on economic policies and the y-axis represents your position on social policies.Just in case you're curious to see how a handful of other past and present world leaders would fare on this grid based on their words and actions, you can check out these two graphs:Based on the answers I provided to a lengthy questionnaire, my political compass lies somewhere around Economic Left: (-6.25) and Social Libertarian: (-5.28) If you compare my position to the world leaders chart, I'd get along well with Mandela, Ghandi, and the Dalai Lama! :)Where do you fit on this graph? Go to www.politicalcompass.org/ and find out! After you've finished the questionnaire, there's a summary page with your results and an explanation of terms used in their graph.

Share your results here! Just copy and paste your graph coordinates found halfway down the page. For example, I'd copy and paste: Economic Left/Right: -6.25 Social Libertarian/Authoritarian: -5.28

Update

First item of business: New restaurant
Last night, Aaron and I went to the new Collierville Indo-Pak (read Indian/Pakistani) restaurant. Name: Ashiyana. Distance from our house: 3 miles and approximately 7 minutes. The server reminded us so much of Suparna Gosch, a good college friend of ours. Aaron ordered the chicken makhni and I ordered the palak gosht because I was curious to see how their goat was. We also had the veg samosas for appetizers and faloodas for dessert (Aaron got chocolate; I got mango). I also ordered the masala chai. It's currently too early in the morning for me to adequately gush over how much we loved the food... suffice to say that I wanted to hug the chefs and our server before we left. The entrees were delicious, although I was up to my elbows in the palak sauce due to the mutton bones. The samosas were, as Redblur described, melt-in-your-mouth.
But the pièces de résistance were the faloodas and the masala chai. First, let me start with the tea. Here's a brief description of masala chai and customs surrounding it, plus several recipes toward the bottom. I adore hot tea, but I had never tasted anything so good as this concoction. It is, without hesitation, divine.

The faloodas were only the width of a goat hair away from being as good as my masala chai. But to say anything is as good as that chai is to be borderline sacrilegious. Anyhoo, wikipedia haves a very short but apt entry on faloodas. Ours had a hint of rose, and although I don't think there was any Tutti Frutti, there were small bits of Jello, which was just surprising. My mango falooda was so delicious that by the time Aaron and I left, I was on a completely different realm of giddiness - that realm where Mum always used to chastise me to "calm down, Erin, and stop acting so silly." Without a doubt, Aaron and I will be frequent customers. I can't wait until the third chef arrives and they determine what their specialties will be!

Second order of business: O-ren's name
Firstly, let us review O-ren's full name: O-ren Ishii Ashenafi PooPoo Kitty Buck. (although Mum adds Werner Buck) :) O-ren Ishii, played by Lucy Liu, is the yakuza boss in Kill Bill, Vol I. Ashenafi was an Ethiopean student of mine during my student teaching; technically, it's a boy's name. And PooPoo Kitty Buck is a three-prong throwback to O-ren's poopooing all over our bed when we first got her, to the movie Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back.
Now that we have reviewed O-ren's current name, let me say that I am contemplating changing her name by replacing Ashenafi to Ashiyana because it's such a beautiful word and because it reflects Aaron's and my college memories with Suparna, Rakesh, and Waseem. This would make her full name: O-ren Ishii Ashiyana PooPoo Kitty Buck. What do you think?


Third and last order of business: O-ren's morning shower.
This morning, at the end of my shower, I opened the door to reach for the towel. O-ren lost no time to waltz into the wet shower with me. She then commenced to saunter about the place, checking out the corners, the water going down the drain, and my extra bottles of shampoo and conditioner in the corner. Only when Chyna headed our way to join in the inspection and, as O-rem saw it, to encroach upon her space, did O-ren finally step onto the bath mat, daintily shake her paws dry, and chase Chyna away.

Conundrum

Imagine you are in a room with 3 switches. In an adjacent room there are 3 bulbs (all are off at the moment), each switch belongs to one bulb. It is impossible to see from one room to another. How can you find out which switch belongs to which bulb, if you may enter the room with the bulbs only once?

Solution

Birthday Attack

PukaBuddy is currently engaged in a full-throttle surprise birthday attack on his good friend here at work. BirthdayTarget (BT) has been notified that he must attend a last-minute meeting wherein he is a principal player. PukaBuddy has notified others to join the meeting where they will start a PowerPoint presentation that quickly turns from scheduled agenda to a goofy video clip of BT and a signature page from his friends wishing him a happy birthday. PukaBuddy has even gotten a personalized cake and huge tub of ice cream waiting in the office fridge.

However, when he learned of the meeting, BT grew enraged and fired off emails to several of his superiors and others who were supposed to attend the meeting. Luckily, PukaBuddy received this email and was able to quickly call all the BigWigs, letting them in on the attack. BT was so incensed that he even marched down to PukaBuddy's puka and gave him an earful. To escalate matters, BT happened to see an email subject heading on PukaBuddy's computer that contained his name. The email was about the birthday attack, so naturally PukaBuddy had to cover. BT now thinks that PukaBuddy is talking about him behind his back and has been reported to have been venting to others about PukaBuddy's despicable behavior. Further reports indicate that BT is planning on going AWOL around 1430 when the meeting was to begin. Luckily, powerful allies of the birthday attack have indicated to BT that he will attend and officers are stationed to intercept him should he bolt.

Countdown is at two hours. Should be interesting. :)

Update @ 1500: After BT arrived to the meeting and promptly threatened to turn around and leave if the teleconference wasn't started immediately, the party got started. When the PowerPoint got to the slide with the video clip of himself, he turned a shade of white and didn't even notice the huge birthday cake I carried until PukaBuddy turned him around and pointed. After he was able to wrap his head around everything, a grand time was had by all.

Speaking of IT HelpDesks...

How ironic that I posted that link to the Gutenberg IT Help Desk...

Now, I like to think of myself as technologically inclined. I am comfortable in PC and Mac worlds (even though the former is inferior), proficient with many programs, and dabble in a variety of others.

So I returned to my puka from a bathroom break, sat down at my desk, kicked back my feet, and returned to work. Without warning, my monitor goes black. Not panicking, I crawl behind the computer tower and check all cable connections. A few seemed a little loose, but even after I tightened them, they weren't all that steadfast.... but nothing that really concerned me. Eventually, I ran out of options to check. Becoming concerned, I poked my head into PukaBuddy's corner and relayed my problem. He inspects my computer for about five seconds and promptly asks with a grin, "Did you try turning on the computer?" Horror of all embarrassing horrors... he pushed power, and voila, my monitor returned.

I therein didst shove his smirking self out of my puka whilst admonitions and sarcasm didst drippeth from the walls. (Don't ask me why I'm suddenly channeling the Book of Armaments, Chapter 4, Verses 16 to 20)

Gutenberg's IT Help Desk

I also just have to pass on this video that Redblur63 discovered. Be forewarned - if you're listening to this at work, turn off the volume; it's subtitled anyway, so you won't miss a thing.

Through the Looking Glass

If I could will myself to say something poignant and witty right about now... I would, trust me. I read my friends' blogs and am always impressed by their turn a phrase and choice of topics. I always feel rather jealous afterward... I mean, honestly, is my life so dull - am I so boring - that I can't come up with anything interesting for another post? I do so wish that I could write dull topics interestingly enough to make people say, "Why, what a unique/refreshing perspective! Her writing style could make me read about parsnips for hours on end."

I really rather sometimes think (haha, I do so love to sound like the books I read) that I go through life with such a tranquil turn of mind that I overlook many an opportunity for a good post. I sit with my back against the wall, observing the world around me. I hang back, watching, analyzing, with no real design of commenting. I've noticed this tendency especially since starting at the Navy base. I enjoy company but hover at the tips of conversations. Despite all that hovering, I am certainly no social butterfly. I usually want to join in the dialogue, to participate in the fun, but my mind always seems too hesitant, too sluggish for any quick repartee... the best I usually muster is some lame l'esprit de l'escalier as I rehash the conversation at my desk. I don't wish for people to think me dull or uninteresting... and least of all to think that I am snobbish. I suppose, ultimately, that I can't let down my defenses enough to allow my verbosity and personality to the surface... at least, not until I am completely comfortable with my surroundings and companions. Heaven knows that that takes forever. Rejection is still my biggest fear.