iNerds

I am apparently not a big enough Mac fan... or maybe that's the problem - I'm a fan, not an addict. Either way, I didn't even remember that the iPhone release date was yesterday until coworkers reminded me. And truth be told, I forgot about the entire thing until, several hours later at home, I meandered over to the computer around midnight and found Gody online, just recently arrived home and still on an iPhone high. The little cutie even managed to make it into this article several times, lol.

Always Look On The Bright Side of Life

u + me + beer = bright side of life

What Megster Wants, Megster Gets

As requested, pictures of Megster! First, if you'll look to your left, you'll see Megster, Ashums, and I in my sister's kitchen. Now, if you'll turn to your other side, you'll see that in the W* family, we like to starve our babies and feed them cat food. If they survive their second year, we let them fight the dogs for table scraps.








Next at the bottom, far left, you'll see Snoop Meg showing G-ma how to hang like a gangsta. Yeah, Mom's obviously impressed.
And although the next two have nothing to do with Megster, the last two pics are of me, Freshman year at TSU. First, I'm pretending to be an e burrito. It should be noted that this is right before they dragged me down the stairs in the blankie... ouch... and lastly...Here's me practicing for The Shining.

Ashums, you're adorable

How many times did I say that tonight? I can't believe you're turning 18 in just a few short months... being so far away makes it easy to forget that time hasn't stood still in Missouri. I haven't quite connected the dots from climbing through the rocks at Ha Ha Tonka to helping you write scholarship essays. I never cease to be amazed at how mature you can be when dealing with weighty issues; I guess you get more than just your quirky sense of humor from me. :) Seth knows how lucky he is, right? (And that he's the greatest sandwich artist ever, lol) You still know my lines to "Pillow Talk" better than I do, and I'll never beat you at singing radio jingles. And, yeah, Aaron will never let you live down that time you squawked "I'm not a perfect person" on our answering machine, lol.

I look forward to the next few years as you come into your own. Such an interesting journey...

My baby's all grown up... and saving China! ;)

Down with the Dukkha

There is no cure for birth and death save to enjoy the interval.

George Santayana, Soliloquies in England, 1922, "War Shrines"

May this tanha never cease, only find alignment. So, get up, come on, get down with the dukkha!

Work in Progress

I am continually reminded how much I am a work in progress. I've known for some time that my ophidiophobia was debilitating in many ways. Although I kept telling myself that it all comes down to mind over matter, I could only know it at a logical level, not actually live it.

While fishing, Aaron told me that I should not look at the water and that I should probably get up and walk toward the truck. He rarely says, "There's a snake," as he knows even that much can freak me out. It was such a simple decision - deceptively so easy - I simply chose to stay. I watched the snake swim around the bend of the lake toward me,. I watched it swim no more than four feet from me. And although I'm sure my heartbeat did quicken, there was no panic.

Always a work in progress... just remembering this scene is making me tense up now... but baby steps, baby steps...

けんぺい Power, Unity

I never expect my words to touch others or to resonate in any way... it is such a wonderful gift to discovery that I have.

Just this morning I was given the title "Powerful One." But that sounds entirely too cocky for me... so I translated it to Japanese...

Atatakaihito no Kenpei
Warm-hearted Person of Power/Unity

Ok, so I added the warm-hearted part, lol... but I think that a little artistic license is forgivable.

I don't know kanji well enough... but I can write it in hiragana.
あたたかいひと (Atatakaihito)
の (no)
けんぺい (Kenpei)

Office Doldrums Cures #2, 3, and 4

Today for lunch, I borrowed PukaBuddy’s pocket k-nife (read: small hunting k-nife) for to aid in the consumption of recently acquired zucchini. (And although Merkat’s may beat mine in size, I still say that mine is far more strategically engineered, ahem.) So k-nife in hand and ‘chini perched like a cocked pistol on my shoulder, I go traipsing down the halls to my puka. An interesting sight to onlookers, I’m sure.

Skip ahead a bit, brother.

Upon returning the k-nife, PukaBuddy decides that it is a wise and scholarly endeavor to conduct a physic experiment, at least, I’m sure those were his motives… what else could they be? Anyhoo, he decides to find the strategic angles, rotation, and velocity which would result in a k-nife remaining lodged in the ceiling. Sadly, we came to no definite conclusions on this front. We moved on to very sharp pencils. I’m still currently working out the physics behind the proper throwing techniques… I’m sure I’ll get it worked out in no time.

And now for something completely different.

Here is conclusive proof that rats are highly intelligent. It does make you wonder though what turned the rodents on to mass consumption of alcohol in the first place… escaping from the nagging missus and the 20 pups in the latest litter? needing to take the edge off after a long day of pharmaceutical drugs testing? Whatever the reason, you’ve got to admire the little buggers for setting up some amazing keg parties. And who’d have known that rats have a foot fetish! And if anyone hears about the next rat-hosted keg party, call me.

And just seconds ago, before I could hit "Publish Post," I was inundated in Illiness. Note to self: never lock Charming Illy in a cramped room all day... without first mounting a camera in the wall relaying live feed to my puka. :)

Muddy Toes

Went for a solitary walk this evening to the neighborhood lake. Fanned my skirt out around me and sat on the grassy bank, letting my feet stir the water and watching muddy clouds undulate like little jellyfish around my toes. I didn't recognize the geese's song, but I joined in on the chorus.

Eine Kleine Arbeit Musik

Is there anything better than Mozart and Beethoven to center yourself? I started today listening to a bunch of heavy German bands... and now I've transitioned to classical, lol. And on the way home today, I guarantee that I'll be singing along to my favorite a'cappella group (True Men from my alma mater). I'm not sure why, but the last 24-hours saw me go through a bit of a slump, so to speak. Today, however, couldn't be better. I'm back to my zentrific self. Enjoyed a solitary walk over to Mean Gene's on a coffee run for WickedTribe, and I guess my smile was infectious; I didn't met a single person who didn't wish me a good morning or return a smile. And what a gorgeous sky! Could the day be any more gorgeous? :)

How remiss of me...

How could I forget to relate these two stories?

1. "Karma's a Bitch"
Firstly, you must know that I am nowhere close to being a vegan or animal-rights activist by any stretch of the imagination. I grew up in a family where deer season is ranked right next to Christmas and Thanksgiving as a major holiday. I can skin a deer with the best of them, and I was the kid with one hand in a wheelbarrow of entrails and the other hand holding an anatomy book. So long as there is a purpose behind the hunt, I'm fine. With that being said, I could never be the one to shoot the deer. I can't deal with looking down the scope, seeing those big brown doe eyes looking back at me, and pulling the trigger. And as much as I love fishing, I struggle with putting a fish through pain if I don't plan on eating it. And yes, I'd rather play with the worms in a dish of dirt than impale them on a hook. With all of that said, on my drive to work early last week, I hit and killed a female cardinal. I cried the entire way to work. Cried as if someone had run over my cat. Cried as if I'd just watched Wit with Emma Thompson or the scene in The Lion King when Mufasa died. As recompense, Mother Nature evened the score on the drive home. I was, once again, singing lead vocals with all of the windows down. I had less than 10 minutes before I would be home when a bird graced the top and inside of the car door, the driver's seat, and, oh yes, my arm with well-aimed, runny, white poo. My reaction? I laughed.

2. "Say 'Ello to My Leetle Friend"
I am known in the office as the barefoot dancing girl who never stops smiling. I keep waiting for someone to tell me to stop doing one or all of the above or to tell me that I'm just plain crazy. I certainly give them no reason to think that I'm crazy... This past Monday we had paused a long meeting to go, en masse, out to lunch. Big Kahuna, standing with BA and El Presidente, was trying to figure out riding arrangements and was therefore counting people. She calculated her tally and announced, "Seven." "No," I corrected her, "Eight. There's my friend, Bob, here," and indicated the 4-inch invisible guy on my left shoulder. Maybe I'm just used to my wackiness, but I really didn't expect the blank stares and "what the..." expressions. After I explained that Bob was my good friend since way back in high school (I met him in P.E.), BA decided that I needed rescuing and tried to shield me from further making an arse out of myself by stepping in front of me. (Or was he trying to shield everyone else from me?) Goofy mood that I was in, I poke my head out to his left and grin. He swerves to the left in an attempt to hide me, and I poke my head out to the right and grin. Repeat this two-step about 4 more times, and you get all of your co-workers and supervisors staring at you as if you had sprouted little green Shrek ears. I was completely past my pride, however, and on the way to the restaurant, perched a TMNT action figure to stand in for Bob (who had hid in my puka from embarrassment). Craziness is just another spice of life.

I can fly!

The bruises along the seams of my inner thigh are well worth it, oh yes, worth every sore inch. While other people's turns came and went, I was allowed to bounce and bounce and bounce and flip and bounce and flip... I learned that it takes a 140-pound cowboy dangling from my legs to give me the momentum to flip. I learned that if you pull on the bungee cords at the right times, you can slightly increase your jump height. I also learned that closing your eyes, letting your body go as limp as a ragdoll, and throwing back your head and arms makes you feel completely weightless.

When we arrived at the BBQ FunFest at the Agricenter, I wasn't quite sure what to expect. I certainly didn't expect to be sucking down yucca-juice as Charming Illy stood over me, to watch El Presidente sashay to "Elvira," to have WickedTribe generously try to maximize my shirt's low-cut neckline, or to be do-sa-do'd and flung into multiple people on multiple occasions. Once again proving that my coworkers are a riot. :)

I knew I'd have a blast once I got over the urge to run away from so many new people, and I'm even happier to know that Aaron had just as much fun.

We should all read more comics

O-R-E-O

I know my friends are talented, but I don't think I was quite prepared for the divine hilarity that is the Oreo Cookie. I, for one, demand a second chapter!!

Not quite as good as my dervish dance, but...

So she's not quite as good as I am when I'm dancing like a dervish to the Bumblebee Tuna song... but she's pretty damn good.

And of course, we should all be singing along with Tommy Roe's "Dizzy"

Dizzy, I’m so dizzy my head is spinning
Like a whirlpool it never ends
And it’s You girl makin’ it spin
You're making me dizzy

Seriously... don't look at this for too long... it may start to kill brain cells.

Things that make you go, hmm...

Having an anal retentive and perfectionistic boss is not good for an anal retentive and perfectionistic employee like me, particularly when nitpicking a document that I had been extremely rushed to distribute. Ah well... another reason to practice my breathing.

Big Kahuna suggested that we order Chinese today, and I'm so glad she did. I didn't join in the conversations much, but I enjoyed being with everyone nonetheless. Mostly, I just sat, listened, observed, smiled, and colored my placemat. lol

I'm not used to eating lunch... I'm having trouble staying awake. I was trying to go without a chai latte for the rest of the week... but I went 1 day without it... isn't that long enough?

On a completely different note, Aaron and I are still working toward an open relationship. They take so much more self-awareness... but they are both things that I've wanted/been working on for a while now.

It’s almost comical how much I have changed in the last 5 years. I think I’m heading in the right direction, but am continually reminded that I’m always a work in process. I'm enjoying the journey. Looking back at the me of 3 months ago shows a huge evolution… gods, even just charting the past 3 weeks would show me going all over the place like the NYSE. I am, I think, appreciating in value at least. I’ve gotten better about being myself around people other than the Inner Sanctum few, but that is a tricky slope for me… I have difficulty knowing where to draw the line… either I draw it centimeters away from me (letting nobody in), or I forgot to draw a line. (Which may be part of the reason that I’m using a website as my diary…) My debilitating need for people to like and approve of me is excruciatingly difficult to let go… as is my lack of patience when it comes to demanding answers, to know what other people are thinking. I can think of a few others, but it seems to all boil down to self-confidence and self-reliance. My current focus is on accepting the is and not dwelling on the was, the may be, or the imaginary realm of what if. The mantra I’ve been keeping at the forefront of my mind recently is: There is no good; there is no bad; there only is, and that is enough.

Switch! (to the tune of Will Smith) - BA waltzed into my puka and caught me indulging in the sweet torture that is a beautiful, sad, sad song. I think my explanation worried him rather than enlightened him... I couldn't find the words at the time to explain how I love to feel emotions whether happy or sad. I play some Loreena McKennitt ("The Highwayman"), some Fray ("Over My Head"), and then Mephiskapheles ("Bumblebee Tuna") ... and all is right in the world.

*yawn*

Even the best of days can become too long. It's 1800 and I'm still sitting at my desk (hence, the military time). I just processed 20 pages of minutes in roughly 3 hours. What I find funny is that I'd never heard of the project that I was thrown into with less than 30 minutes warning. So me trying to make sense of anything while taking minutes or processing them was, well, interesting, lol.

On a brighter note, I have been singing and dancing all day, whether in my puka or walking down the halls. I particularly had fun on a supply run - singing and re-enacting the theme to Man of La Mancha (as performed by... Linda Carr, I believe. Damn, when she hits those high notes... how could I do anything other than join in? :)

There is also nothing quite like watching four men, all of them very important people, in one puka while one gives an extended backrub to another. And truly, I'm not being sarcastic in the least! It made me smile that they were that comfortable and happy. (Imagine that, me smiling, right?)

And although I'm not pregnant at the moment (thank you very much, Redblur, lol) Aaron and I don't mind the idea. I love unique names and always keep an ear open for them. PukaBuddy's youngest has a gorgeous name that I wouldn't mind stealing... except that our cat already essentially has it, lol. I also like the name Kiari (Ky-ree) which, lol, is from the Kingdom Hearts PS2 games. :D La la... this is me rambling as I wait for my edits to come back and wanting to be home...

Horray! Edit's complete! Minutes sent! It's 1830, and I can finally go home!

Smile and dance like a dervish!

As if I weren't happy enough, I can't remember being happier than tonight in a very long time. Aaron, you kick ass! Thanks for being strong enough to walk with me down this path! :D Love isn't possessive, or jealous, or one-dimensional. So remember, no guilt, just smiles and love!

And hey - everyone should be DANCING THEIR ASSES off to the Bumblebee song! lol Go to my myspace page, imagine me dancing around the house like a whirling dervish, and dance with me! :D

Sugffeine!

I'm not sure what tropical wind blew into my puka just now, but I'm glad it did. :) The word for today is

SUGFFEINE!

Sugffeine is that blessed combination of sugar and caffeine required to maintain a hypersensitive consciousness.

Ring around the roses

I thought I was feeling better... apparently my body went for a surprise attack this time. I haven't had a dizzy spell in ages, but hey, my body knows how I just luuuve surprises. (Could somebody grab a mop for all this sarcasm dripping on the floor?) Anyhoo, just the surprise of the dizzy spell was enough to floor me, as if the careening puka around me wasn't enough. I can't tell if my sudden rise in temperature is a result from the mortification that this is happening to me at work or if it is a joint conspirator in the dizzy spell. Either way, a ziplock baggie of ice is working on both.

Seriously, communication should not be so difficult. Aaron was right, of course, that I shouldn't keep pushing for the truth, but really, that's all I ever wanted. I accept the consequences of my pushing, how it was perceived, all of that... I never wanted a specific answer, just an answer. It is poignant irony that the very essence of a conversation with Aaron last night - freedom, jealously, possession of the heart - were brought to me again. But now, the very things that I had debated for the night before were reversed; I am perceived to espouse the very ideals I stood against the night before. This is what my push for answers has gotten me; this is what a lack of clear communication has gotten me. What a screwed up misunderstanding that should never had occurred. Seriously, what a waste.

I want to stick my head in a bucket of ice. Why do I keep Advil around if I always refuse to take any medication? Meanwhile, my make-shift ice bucket sitting on my head is a nice little fez, I think.

Drink Me!

Which Biological Molecule Are You?

You are water. You're not really organic; you're neither acidic nor basic, yet you're an acid and a base at the same time. You're strong willed and opinionated, but relaxed and ready to flow. So while you often seem worthless, without you, everything would just not work. People should definitely drink more of you every day.
Take this quiz!

Those Were the Days Back Then...

1. Go into your blog's archives.
2. Find your 23rd post (or closest to).
3. Find the fifth sentence (or closest to).
4. Post the text of the sentence in your blog along with these instructions.

Tuesday, November 29, 2005
At one particularly loud point, I yelled across the room to Aaron, "Hey, do you still want to have kids?" I'm not exactly sure what he replied, since the 7th level of Dante's hell broke forth in the living room between us, but I'm sure it was an affirmative - who wouldn't want kids that can double as fog horns?

Ahhhh... I miss my family! This is in reference to a Thanksgiving at my brother Wayne's house. I miss the little foghorns... By the way, you should all be singing along with Mary Hopkins after reading this post's title.

While I'm at it...
1. Grab the nearest book.
2. Open the book to page 23.
3. Find the fifth sentence.
4. Post the text of the sentence in your journal along with these instructions.

The Fountainhead: Ayn Rand
Now he wished that Roark would display some emotion; it seemed unnatural for him to be so quietly natural in the circumstances.

Holy, crap - did a book just read my mind?! Hmmm... I wonder if Ayn Rand can be used like a magic 8-ball or the I Ching. Ok, my mind is open, let's flip it open and see what line 5 has for me.... woah, she's good:

When they met, they talked as if nothing had changed.

I suppose getting a line with a little advice would be is too much, lol. Wow, I opened the book again, not looking for anything, and the first line my eyes ran into were:

Hey, come here a minute, would you?

Oh yeah, she's good. She's good.

Reading Rants

Although I don't have permission to share the links, I can no longer refrain from mentioning three lovely sites that, passed along by a co-worker, have caused me to do the following:

• laugh so hard I snorted
  
• snort so hard I coughed
• smile to the point of needing to hold my cheeks up to stop them from hurting
• give myself carpel tunnel from all the the scrolling

Pics from NOLA

Time to get some pictures off of my cell phone. Firstly, let me say that I was never in photographer mode... although there were many, many points were I wanted to be. I know a couple of people were looking forward to pictures I was to bring back, and to that I simply have to reply that there is always next time. Until then, I did snap a few random pictures with my cell phone. The first one is obviously of the infamous FEMA trailors which were in practically every yard in many neighborhoods.

And here I am, what's left me in this washed out scene, with a French Officer's hat. My First Marine (M1M) insisted on capturing this, for whatever reason. Although the French could all out-dance me - and with such serious faces, lol - I did love talking to them. No seriously, actual conversations! They would flit everywhere, having fun, but they would always gravitate back to me for a chat. And eventually a couple did get me on the dance floor... although there were a was a time when I was laughing so much that I could barely keep up with them. Speaking of great conversations, I talked with Raj from India, which I know I've mentioned before - a nice conversation turned great the second he realized that I used to hang out with all Indians and Sri Lankans. I was also discovered by Maxim. :) From Quebec, he was. And I think it was Raj's boss, from England, who drug me up on stage. She couldn't have been much older than me.

And here is one of my Sailors, all tuckered out next to our table. At least at this point, 3am, he still had his hat, lol. Let's just say that the French are very free with their hats, and in the next morning, several young women were observed to have apparently joined the French Navy. Lol, I give myself all the credit - I had been, after all, discussing with a couple of them that night the finer points of how to weave their woo.

All I can say is that if I had the choice, I would always pack a few Marines and Sailors in my purse before I ever headed out to a bar or club. If nothing else, watching one of them form their very own one-man mosh pit is hilarious.

Send in the Clowns

I am not ill often, but to compensate for that lost time, my body occasionally likes to sufficiently humble me just to remind me who's boss.

I am very, very humble. I had to laugh at myself when, at my most undignified, I was contemplating human nature in relation to a toilet bowl.

And Aaron is in bed since he is on call tomorrow morning. Go figure, I'm back here talking to myself. I'm also giving myself French tips... black French tips, lol. I don't know if I should color in the rest of the nail or leave it blank... decisions, decisions. I'm meanwhile having the pleasure of torturing myself with music and poetry... or should I say, poetry with and with musical accompaniment. I don't know if I should share my poetry or not, such an intimate thing. And since my recent foray into complete openness got me little more than a slap in the face, I doubt any more openness on my part is welcome. Time marches on, steadily and without agenda, while I feel forced to sit on my hands.

Although I have the ability to be a consummate liar, I am finding that when asked direct questions, I can only answer with the truth or fumble for an escape hatch. Apparently I am an open book, an easy read to those who know me. I do not know if I necessarily like this idea; it makes me feel exposed. For all of my contradictions and complications, I am, after all, a simple person. And in this, I feel naked. It's not hard at all to remind myself that it's easy to get myself hurt.

I have a simple, open, almost child-like approach to life in many regards. I love that about myself. But people seem to read me like an open book, whereas I can not, or do not, do the same with them. I over-analyze, yes, but I place the blame on myself rather than others and never assume that I know what the other person is thinking. All of that over-analysis is really just self-analysis, and I tend to take others at face value until they tell me to do otherwise. So, I feel at a disadvantage.

And I know that yesterday and tomorrow find me discussing how I'm not open enough... but both are true. I guess right now I find myself wondering how open I should be.

Clarification

To those of you who questioned me about BlackPaw - here he is. Aaron's dad trapped the beaver and prepared the fur. A family friend then turned him into the adorable bear you see now. So yes, thank you very much, he is a beaver-bear, lol. He's surprisingly durable and has endured a lot of tough love. He gets his name from his upper left paw, which is darker than the rest.



And... if we're on the subject of things I love, here are my much beloved flipflops. Notice that they falling apart and threadbare. I'd much prefer to go through life barefoot (and I do as much as possible), but when I can't, these are my second skin. Both mrows are also in love with them, which is borderline disturbing. :)

Bumblebees

I met two bumblebees in the flowering tree by the front of the house who told me a long forgotten truth to life.

I rather believe them, too. They had a look of honesty in their eyes.

I'm Such a Tool

I'm sure next to no one could care which Tool song best represents me, but too bad! :P
So I took this quiz and got these results:

You are Schism. You are probably a sensitive individual who is very down to earth and open in relationships with others. Communication is your key to success and happiness in just about everything you do.

And, because I do absolutely adore this song:

Schism
I know the pieces fit
'Cause I watched them fall away
Mildewed and smouldering
Fundamental differing
Pure intention juxtaposed
Will set two lovers' souls in motion
Disintegrating as it goes
Testing our communication
The light that feuled our fire then
Has a burned a hole between us so
We cannot see to reach an end
Crippling our communication

I know the pieces fit
'Cause I watched them tumble down
No fault, none to blame
It doesn't mean I don't desire to
Point the finger, blame the other
Watch the temple topple over
To bring the pieces back together
Rediscover communication

The poetry
That comes from the squaring off between
And the circling is worth it
Finding beauty in the dissonance

There was a time that the pieces fit
But I watched them fall away
Mildewed and smouldering
Strangled by our coveting
I've done the math enough to know
The dangers of our second guessing
Doomed to crumble unless we grow
And strengthen our communication

Cold silence has
A tendency to
Atrophy any
Sense of compassion
Between supposed brothers
Between supposed lovers

Happiness

Today was a great day, I must say. Went out for an impromptu beer after work with a co-worker and then meet up with another co-worker after that for some long overdue girl time.

It still surprises me that so many people... seem to enjoy my company , quite frankly. I also don't think anyone at work realizes how much into my own I have come since starting there. More than one person has mentioned it to me, but I still don't think they get how completely atyptical it is for me to open up with so many people at all, ever. It has taken me by surprise, to say the least. I keep waiting for the moment when people get tired of me, to tell me to stop humming and singing under my breath... I've never smiled so much, I don't think, and I can't imagine not wanting to smile.

How can I be a social person yet not be a social person? I am reserved yet not reserved... I love the contradictions that aren't really contradictions at all. I think I wrote a poem like that years ago... hmmm... I really should find that back.

In other issues, I hear rumors, I hope for some resolution... I try to be patient and not analyze.
Still, I miss...

So met up with WickedTribe and her boyfriend tonight. What a great time! It felt so great to have that girl time before the boys joined us. And then toward the end of the evening, I get my Christmas and birthday presents all at once - invited to go camping, kayaking, swimming, and fishing! Please picture me doing a really dorky in-my-seat head-turkey-jerking-around happy dance in my seat. Tomorrow there is promised fishing and swimming... and then in August/September, kayaking and white water, cliffs and campfires. I am so excited! I have been soooo deprived for years now, and it used to be such a regular summer event. Just the promise of getting to play in water, to be able to revert to my natural mermaid form.... I feel like a little kid on Christmas Eve. Happiness is me in water. :)

Room with a View (of HELL!), Pond (of DEATH!)

Quote is from Eddie Izzard, by the way... from Dressed to Kill. I do love my executive transvestites. :D

From my seat here in Bldg Two, I can look out through the wall of windows and watch the wind fan across the Lake Pontchartrain. Two dogs are zigzagging through the shallows in pursuit of sticks, tails keeping an allegro (meaning happy) tempo.

Although I won't head down to the ocean, I'm content to watch the lake as sections of water change from greens to blues to greys… my serenity colors.

Last Day

Last morning here in New Orleans... and I'm curious what today will hold. Enjoying the time I have now, but still glad that I'll be returning home.

I really would still like to be in bed, curled up with Black Paw... I didn't spend much quality time with him this trip. He looked pretty dejected when I had to stuff him back into the suitcase, poor little beaverbear.

Exhausted, but happy

Although my two Hombres Manches would hardly agree, tonight was a lovely evening. We drove to the north shore of Lake Pontchartrain for dinner with the family of one Hombre Manche. Although the service was a complete disaster, I was completely happy watching the sun stain the waves red and playing with two small children. I realized, again, how much I miss the water. I'm really not picky, I'd be thrilled with a creek or river. Somewhere to listen to the water and turn into a fish. While others focused on the complaints, I simply had no room for them (the complaints, that is). Why concentrate on the negatives when there are so many positives? I sound so cheesy I'm making myself nauseous, lol.

So tomorrow's the last day here in New Orleans... a short day and then flying back around 4pm. I'm really looking forward to being home, with Aaron, and just everything that is near and dear to me. At the moment, I can barely see the words I'm typing, I'm that tired. I figure I'll sleep when I'm dead; and the last thing I want to do is to return to that lonely suite to feel lonely all by my lonesome. But... as I think my brain waves have officially flatlined, perhaps it's time to head up.

Sprint! and sleep this weekend... maybe

I have little time before my dinner dates arrive... the Three Dirty Old Men. :) Anyway, little time to elaborate, but have to spew or I think I'm bust a seam.

What is the big deal with moon pies?! Had my first one today... not impressed. Meh.

Feel so…. One-dimensional as a tech writer… miss not being in my element where I can jump into complex discussions and hold my own. All I’m good for is recording and editing… can’t monkeys be trained for this? I’m beginning to think that moving into a higher order brain functioning job here is more difficult a hurdle than I’ll be able to jump with my background. At least I'm around people that use words that make me smile... words like pernicious, lol.

Hanging with the Tres Hombres Manche has been interesting. I love French Sailors. Raj is really nice, from India, and made me feel all nostalgic for college life again. I love being German... at least that's where I give credit for my drinking skills. Being the only girl with a bunch of Marines and Sailors has its perks. I would never abuse them... I'm just too consciencious of abusing that sort of thing. I can dance on stage at little prompting even without any decent amount of alcohol. I can swear in French, I think... or at least, I could at 3 am this morning. I had less than 3 hours of sleep and have had NOOOOO caffein today. I can eat my weight in sushi and sashimi. People are really nice to me and I'm not sure why. Kim actually commented that she's glad I'm coming out of my shell. I have these people so fooled, lol. I almost got the Tres Hombres Manche to go two blocks down from Pat O'Brians. :D French Sailors are really good dancers. They are all skinny little sticks, too. Taking a shot of whatever is more interesting if the waitress is cute. We became good friends, she and I. I love not getting hang overs. I'm rubber and they bounce right off me. I am really looking forward to crossing Lake Pontchartain to find some good non-touristy visitors in a bit. Any minute, actually. I think my brain is deep-fried and cross-wired and will crash at the slightest provocation. I still have not paid for a single drink and the most money I've spent on ANYTHING so far has been this addictive wifi. I am flattered by other people's generosity and willingness to pamper me... but I just do not feel comfortable accepting it. They never let me refuse. I have surprised and impressed everyone today by being my bright cheery self despite my lack of sleep and habits last night. I don't think I've given the co-workers too much to hold against me as colateral as I waited until our group was down to a guy from DC and a guy from KC before letting down my guard a bit. Being one of the guys is fun... but the stuff they say could really piss me off if I wasn't so laid back. I sometimes wonder if they forget that I'm standing right there. Oh wait, yeah, cuz half the time they're talking TO me in the first place! lol

Quickly now!

To Redblur, anonymous though you tried to be, really, no chiding allowed! I promise to compensate tonight. :)

Now that I know where most people are staying and have been introduced to a few new people at today's meetings, I've got plenty of offers for fun. Course... none of those involved dinner, my tummy now reminds me... but I'm meeting up with a few people any minute now for drinks... and hey, what isn't better than free alcohol on an empty stomach?! lol

I don't think I'll ever get used to all of the attention I receive in this field. As cute as the asses look in uniform, I don't trust a single compliment or attention.

Sign I saw on the way back from base that read "Po Boy / Hot Boi". Two guesses which I was most interested in and why! lol

Time's up. Party's here!

*yawn*

Ever wonder what little e is doing all by herself in New Orleans when all of her co-workers have gone back to their cozy bedroom suites? I wish I could say, "Walking around way the hell away from the hotel," but I is aw awone wif wong hai-oh in a stwange pwace. *pout* I can't stand the idea of going back to my room and watching tv... how utterly blech... so I'll talk to myself outloud here.

There is hardly anyone online, *extra pout*, and hubby is not very talkative. So what does little e do to pass the time whilst lounging in the Embassy's lobby?

Squirrely Wrath. If you're not completely open-minded, beware the click! Since I've got a sailor's mouth and warped mind, I love Foamy!

Rolling Stone's interview with Colbert and Stewart. A long read... but wait, I'm looking for something to do, so this is perfect! If you're not willing to read every single word for all 6 billion pages, then I would suggest starting on page 2. And is it just me, or is Stewart still such a cutie in that "I-have-no-idea-why" sort of way. lol

Pictoral Ponderances. Much reflection has gone into this.

Nawlins, Day 1

Ahh.... high speed internet.... my bliss is complete.

I hesitate to say much about the flight, which was my first, or the walk BA, Big Kahuna (BK), and I took into the French Quarters dispite the semi-consistent downpour.... I hesitate because I do not want to spew cliches (even if true) or impersonate a travel agency.

I entered into my journey this morning with as few expectations as I could. And thus doing so, I was delighted in everything. I was delighted in the chai latte that I sipped for an hour in the airport's main lobby; I was delighted in the impromptu conversations struck up with fellow travelers in the security line; I was delighted to find passangers headed to Vegas reading Atlas Shrugged and Jane Eyre. It's so easy to focus in on our little private ambitions, thus limiting our vision. It would have been easy to throw my nose in Jean Auel's The Shelters of Stone during the short flight, or to catch a nap to make up for today's early hours... well, easy for some, I suppose. I guess there is little skill in living in the moment when that moment is new, as surely all of today was for me, but it was wonderful nonetheless.

Haha... look at me now! Patting myself on the back while giving myself up to the powers of the wireless. (To that I say - I won't go out alone; the day would not find me already indoors if I still had but a fellow explorer.)

It's strange to find that the day is so late... and that my shorts are already dry! lol When we left Memphis at 0930, New Orleans was promised to be partly cloudy upon arrival in an hour. As the plane broke through the first layer of clouds upon our decent over New Orleans, there were sparce pockets of tiny white puffclouds. By the time we circled over Lake Pontchartrain, the world above and below was a deep shade of gray. Although I'm sure I would normally be disappointed that the torrential downpour had to directly coincide with my first day, I smiled all the more as on my plane window, 1 tiny vein of water turned to 3 rivulets turned to uncountable amazons. I smiled when BA, BK and I went splashing through the Hertz parking lot to a car that wasn't there; I smiled when my hair frizzed and curled; I smiled when I slipped and slid over the French Quarter streets in my beloved hemp flipflops which were, upon reflection, better equipted to promote water skiing down a Slip and Slide than navigating smooth paving stones. And guess what? My work laptop won't let me access the ethernet in my room, so I'm smiling as a pay for wireless in the hotel lobby, alone but not lonely. Happy to just sit, experience, and enjoy.

Other mentionable firsts for today: ate crawfish instead of using them as bait; discovered that oysters are not disgusting, but not anything to write home about; set up camp for 4 days in a bedroom suite that makes my old apartments feel dingy; found some shops in the French Market that have some delightful "Hear/See/Speak No Evil" and the Eight Immortals figurines.

I miss the little buggers; I really do. But I'm still glad I put myself first when I got out of the classroom.

Into the Looking Glass

Perhaps I feel too much, but that just doesn't feel like the truth. I can't - I won't - change who I am, and once I am invested in an emotion, I can not calmly curb it. I am, fundamentally, a passionate person. The dams that hold back my heart are strong, but once gone, reveal a flood. I would not have me any other way, but I am sorry that this frightens others away. Of course, there are many sides to me, and I do not wear my heart on my sleeve for public scrutiny. But I long to be able to give myself to others and find that they can meet force for force, not be scared or drowned. It is rare that I have ever thought I could do this - release the dams and find equal passion and acceptance - with someone, the number does not even exceed the number of fingers on a hand.

I am not by nature a gregarious person; it is a conscientious effort each time I interact with someone. It never ceases to surprise me that I have people fooled on this count. I have never had a large circle of friends; I value a close-knit few whom I can trust implicitly with who I am rather than an ocean of acquaintances whom I can only trust with the side of me that they can handle.

The loss of an acquaintance is a loss, yes, but as I keep them at arms length and as I have not entrusted them with my heart, I can watch them come and go with little damage. But what I term "kindred spirits"... this is another matter entirely. (This term, as well as the phrase "Anne mood" both derive from the Anne of Green Gables series.) The$.25 vending machine ring that I wear on my right hand symbolizes, in part, this level of connection. Through the years, this ring has lost its sparkle and newness, but after so many years, it is not bent, not broken, no less beautiful than on that first day when Alan gave it to me in the Hastings in Jeff City. I have lost only one kindred spirit, and it was because I changed, came into my own, developed the identify I have today while she stayed behind. I still grieve that loss; it hurts no less than when I first discovered it several years ago. Perhaps now I have lost another. What a shame, a waste...meaningless.

How dangerous to put so much power into the hands of a few! My Buddha nature says to cut all ties entirely, or as Yoda would say, to train myself to let go of everything I fear to lose. But I can not be dispassionate. How could I learn to feel less? Is it just that I must learn to not limit myself? If I let go completely, what would I find?

Inner-strength, self-reliance... I have found these when least expected. But am I rebuilding defenses or removing the need for them? Right now as I sit, surrounded by greens, blues, and whites, I know that I am strong, and in my solitude, I am not alone. But I am sad. Should I not be?

If, in my life, I found no kindred spirits, should I not be lonely? Or is my assumption wrong; should I find kindred spirits in every person, every blade of grass? Fear leads to jealousy... and I have no claim on anything just as no one has any claim on me. I know all this, yet I can not live it.

Truth.
I do not accept that the truth is unknown. The truth is always known, it is just fear and cowardice that blind us from it.

Either
I can not see the truth because of my preconceptions and misconceptions...
or
I have not been trusted to accept the truth...

To the latter if it is true, I am hurt that I was thought to be so weak. I wish to be given the chance to correct that poor assumption. To the former, I would ask guidance that they can be revealed to me so that I may correct them. I think this is what hurts me the most. I feel I have been dealt with dishonestly, for avoidance in my eyes is a silent lie. And that this should come from a kindred spirit - I still hold to that - is like a dull blade in my back. I am not one to place blame on others. The world will happen around me, and it is only I who must deal with it. Perhaps my greatest weakness is that I must understand that which is happening around me in order to deal with it. At least, this holds true if I think someone is withholding those truths from me.

It is at this point that I do not know where to go. I don't know if my heart can be bottled back up, if the flames of a passionate spirit can be doused, or if I can learn to let go of that which I fear to lose.

But I deserve truth and the opportunity to accept it.

Into the Fray...

Save a Life
Between the lines of fear and blame
You begin to wonder why you came

Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life

The things you've told him all along
And pray to God he hears you
And pray to God he hears you

Over my Head
I never knew
I never knew that everything was falling through
That everyone I knew was waiting on a cue
To turn and run when all I needed was the truth
But that's how it's got to be
It's coming down to nothing more than apathy
I'd rather run the other way than stay and see
The smoke and who's still standing when it clears

Everyone knows I'm in
Over my head
Over my head
With eight seconds left in overtime
[He's] on your mind
[He's] on your mind

Let's rearrange
I wish you were a stranger I could disengage
Just say that we agree and then never change
Soften a bit until we all just get along
But that's disregard
Find another friend and you discard
As you lose the argument in a cable car
Hanging above as the canyon comes between

And suddenly I become a part of your past
I'm becoming the part that don't last
I'm losing you and its effortless
Without a sound we lose sight of the ground
In the throw around
Never thought that you wanted to bring it down
I won't let it go down till we torch it ourselves

Ocean's Away
But stone by stone the castle crumbled to the ground
I stood and stared as you started to fall into the waves.
There goes the sun, oceans away
And days die young when you're gone and you're gone