Send in the Clowns

I am not ill often, but to compensate for that lost time, my body occasionally likes to sufficiently humble me just to remind me who's boss.

I am very, very humble. I had to laugh at myself when, at my most undignified, I was contemplating human nature in relation to a toilet bowl.

And Aaron is in bed since he is on call tomorrow morning. Go figure, I'm back here talking to myself. I'm also giving myself French tips... black French tips, lol. I don't know if I should color in the rest of the nail or leave it blank... decisions, decisions. I'm meanwhile having the pleasure of torturing myself with music and poetry... or should I say, poetry with and with musical accompaniment. I don't know if I should share my poetry or not, such an intimate thing. And since my recent foray into complete openness got me little more than a slap in the face, I doubt any more openness on my part is welcome. Time marches on, steadily and without agenda, while I feel forced to sit on my hands.

Although I have the ability to be a consummate liar, I am finding that when asked direct questions, I can only answer with the truth or fumble for an escape hatch. Apparently I am an open book, an easy read to those who know me. I do not know if I necessarily like this idea; it makes me feel exposed. For all of my contradictions and complications, I am, after all, a simple person. And in this, I feel naked. It's not hard at all to remind myself that it's easy to get myself hurt.

I have a simple, open, almost child-like approach to life in many regards. I love that about myself. But people seem to read me like an open book, whereas I can not, or do not, do the same with them. I over-analyze, yes, but I place the blame on myself rather than others and never assume that I know what the other person is thinking. All of that over-analysis is really just self-analysis, and I tend to take others at face value until they tell me to do otherwise. So, I feel at a disadvantage.

And I know that yesterday and tomorrow find me discussing how I'm not open enough... but both are true. I guess right now I find myself wondering how open I should be.