Into the Looking Glass

Perhaps I feel too much, but that just doesn't feel like the truth. I can't - I won't - change who I am, and once I am invested in an emotion, I can not calmly curb it. I am, fundamentally, a passionate person. The dams that hold back my heart are strong, but once gone, reveal a flood. I would not have me any other way, but I am sorry that this frightens others away. Of course, there are many sides to me, and I do not wear my heart on my sleeve for public scrutiny. But I long to be able to give myself to others and find that they can meet force for force, not be scared or drowned. It is rare that I have ever thought I could do this - release the dams and find equal passion and acceptance - with someone, the number does not even exceed the number of fingers on a hand.

I am not by nature a gregarious person; it is a conscientious effort each time I interact with someone. It never ceases to surprise me that I have people fooled on this count. I have never had a large circle of friends; I value a close-knit few whom I can trust implicitly with who I am rather than an ocean of acquaintances whom I can only trust with the side of me that they can handle.

The loss of an acquaintance is a loss, yes, but as I keep them at arms length and as I have not entrusted them with my heart, I can watch them come and go with little damage. But what I term "kindred spirits"... this is another matter entirely. (This term, as well as the phrase "Anne mood" both derive from the Anne of Green Gables series.) The$.25 vending machine ring that I wear on my right hand symbolizes, in part, this level of connection. Through the years, this ring has lost its sparkle and newness, but after so many years, it is not bent, not broken, no less beautiful than on that first day when Alan gave it to me in the Hastings in Jeff City. I have lost only one kindred spirit, and it was because I changed, came into my own, developed the identify I have today while she stayed behind. I still grieve that loss; it hurts no less than when I first discovered it several years ago. Perhaps now I have lost another. What a shame, a waste...meaningless.

How dangerous to put so much power into the hands of a few! My Buddha nature says to cut all ties entirely, or as Yoda would say, to train myself to let go of everything I fear to lose. But I can not be dispassionate. How could I learn to feel less? Is it just that I must learn to not limit myself? If I let go completely, what would I find?

Inner-strength, self-reliance... I have found these when least expected. But am I rebuilding defenses or removing the need for them? Right now as I sit, surrounded by greens, blues, and whites, I know that I am strong, and in my solitude, I am not alone. But I am sad. Should I not be?

If, in my life, I found no kindred spirits, should I not be lonely? Or is my assumption wrong; should I find kindred spirits in every person, every blade of grass? Fear leads to jealousy... and I have no claim on anything just as no one has any claim on me. I know all this, yet I can not live it.

Truth.
I do not accept that the truth is unknown. The truth is always known, it is just fear and cowardice that blind us from it.

Either
I can not see the truth because of my preconceptions and misconceptions...
or
I have not been trusted to accept the truth...

To the latter if it is true, I am hurt that I was thought to be so weak. I wish to be given the chance to correct that poor assumption. To the former, I would ask guidance that they can be revealed to me so that I may correct them. I think this is what hurts me the most. I feel I have been dealt with dishonestly, for avoidance in my eyes is a silent lie. And that this should come from a kindred spirit - I still hold to that - is like a dull blade in my back. I am not one to place blame on others. The world will happen around me, and it is only I who must deal with it. Perhaps my greatest weakness is that I must understand that which is happening around me in order to deal with it. At least, this holds true if I think someone is withholding those truths from me.

It is at this point that I do not know where to go. I don't know if my heart can be bottled back up, if the flames of a passionate spirit can be doused, or if I can learn to let go of that which I fear to lose.

But I deserve truth and the opportunity to accept it.