Things that make you go, hmm...

Having an anal retentive and perfectionistic boss is not good for an anal retentive and perfectionistic employee like me, particularly when nitpicking a document that I had been extremely rushed to distribute. Ah well... another reason to practice my breathing.

Big Kahuna suggested that we order Chinese today, and I'm so glad she did. I didn't join in the conversations much, but I enjoyed being with everyone nonetheless. Mostly, I just sat, listened, observed, smiled, and colored my placemat. lol

I'm not used to eating lunch... I'm having trouble staying awake. I was trying to go without a chai latte for the rest of the week... but I went 1 day without it... isn't that long enough?

On a completely different note, Aaron and I are still working toward an open relationship. They take so much more self-awareness... but they are both things that I've wanted/been working on for a while now.

It’s almost comical how much I have changed in the last 5 years. I think I’m heading in the right direction, but am continually reminded that I’m always a work in process. I'm enjoying the journey. Looking back at the me of 3 months ago shows a huge evolution… gods, even just charting the past 3 weeks would show me going all over the place like the NYSE. I am, I think, appreciating in value at least. I’ve gotten better about being myself around people other than the Inner Sanctum few, but that is a tricky slope for me… I have difficulty knowing where to draw the line… either I draw it centimeters away from me (letting nobody in), or I forgot to draw a line. (Which may be part of the reason that I’m using a website as my diary…) My debilitating need for people to like and approve of me is excruciatingly difficult to let go… as is my lack of patience when it comes to demanding answers, to know what other people are thinking. I can think of a few others, but it seems to all boil down to self-confidence and self-reliance. My current focus is on accepting the is and not dwelling on the was, the may be, or the imaginary realm of what if. The mantra I’ve been keeping at the forefront of my mind recently is: There is no good; there is no bad; there only is, and that is enough.

Switch! (to the tune of Will Smith) - BA waltzed into my puka and caught me indulging in the sweet torture that is a beautiful, sad, sad song. I think my explanation worried him rather than enlightened him... I couldn't find the words at the time to explain how I love to feel emotions whether happy or sad. I play some Loreena McKennitt ("The Highwayman"), some Fray ("Over My Head"), and then Mephiskapheles ("Bumblebee Tuna") ... and all is right in the world.