On the meridian of time, there is no injustice: there is only the poetry of motion creating the illusion of truth and drama.
ToC, H. Miller

Sunday, August 26, 2007

Of Cheesecake and Loneliness

My cheesecakes received the best compliment last night. Said from Wife to Husband: "This cheesecake is so good; you are definitely going to get lucky later." Now really, what praise could be higher than that? My cheesecakes incite lust. And that just makes me happy. :) I got a few "best cheesecake I've ever had". I don't care if they really believe that or not, but it fulfills me to know that I can - through a cheesecake - make others happy. Food should be sensual, enjoyed to its utmost. Maybe I'll eventually taste the cheesecakes I made for yesterday and see what all the fuss is about, lol. I couldn't find a recipe that I liked for the turtle, so I ended up concocting my own of sorts. Now I'm really wishing that I'd taken notes on what (and how) I threw in! I'm looking forward to creating a cheesecake for Wicked's birthday soon. It'll be another creative explosion in the kitchen, I'm sure, as I won't really know how I'll make it until I'm actually making it. She gave me a very clear list of wants for the recipe, but the fun is always in interpretation.

I've re-realized something else about myself over the course of this weekend. I miss my friends back in Missouri. I don't make friends easily. I can be lonely in a crowd of people I know. I am really quite anti-social but am a very personable hermit who craves the nearness of loved ones. To those few people I consider Friends, to them I cling with a tenacity and intensity that is.... well, more than most people can handle. In Missouri, I had Friends, friends, and family whom I could always call up whenever I wanted to do something. I miss that here in TN. I am making friends, but for me that is an agonizingly slow process. (Antisocialites tend to have that problem.) That I am physically isolated from even those people confounds the issue. Spur of the moment craziness, a sympathetic ear, a late-night rendezvous to Country Kitchen, being talked into watching The Grudge against my better judgment, lol... these are things I miss.

Mum went dumpster diving today. She's so awesome. I'm resentful that I could not join her. That goes against my creed, but I am lonely, and I miss her. I miss her pluckiness, her upbeat tempo, her personal blend of Folgers zen, and yes, even her Banty hen over-protectiveness. Maybe Aaron and I can trek up there over this coming holiday weekend. It would be good for us both.

But we're supposed to face what we fear, right? Overcome it, right? I fear being alone. Maybe I should go live in a cave until my fears have passed through me. Well, I seem to be working on that. ... "And the darkness still has work to do / The knotted chord's untying" ...

House of Straw

Normally when I get these postcard notices, I pitch them w/o a second glance. How strange to find your own house running amok through the postal service and then in all your neighbors' living rooms and trash cans!And look - it's our living room! All boring and beiged out because by the time I got around to being ready to paint, we'd decided to sell. Weirder yet is going online and browsing your own home...
I really hope that I can get out of this house soon. So much more than is necessary. All this time, I thought I wanted that picture of success. But now that I have it, I realize how empty it is. If I had listened to myself a year ago, I think I already knew it then. But, this was what I was supposed to want, right? Aaron and I don't technically need to sell the house, although losing his job was the catalyst, my excuse. After the shock of his announcement, my first thought was of selling - I was happy! Go figure, me not having the correct emotion, lol.

I dropped into a conversation last night; I think I said all of two lines. The discussion centered on the starving artist selling out, on the necessity of money as security for food, shelter, etc. As I listened to the conversation, the whole precept irritated me. I had little desire to say much of anything. My opinions are usually invalidated by others, so why bother. I had no desire to banter words. I have no problem with an artist starving or selling out. I'm personally not a fan of slapdash art created for a paycheck just because it usually lacks depth. But I recognize that as my personal taste - as to anything further, who am I to judge? If the artist wants to starve, let him. If he wants to eat, let him. And if others enjoy Blue Puppy, let them, I'm happy for them even if I don't share in it. (I just want the mossy green landscapes) I said nothing on this thread.

The conversation then turned to financial brackets and being satisfied in any of them. At this point I ventured a comment and was immediately slapped down. My mistake, I'll keep my mouth shut. I honestly didn't disagree so much with what was being said at this point - that once you achieve one bracket, you don't see how you could ever go back and now crave the next bracket. Lovely vicious cycle and all that.

The question is at what level can you be satisfied? Or, at what level should you be satisfied? What are your priorities? I have no desire to be a starving artist; I'm too practical and realistic for that. I appreciate architecture, luxury cars, extended travel at a whim, and adding to my collections of stuff, but I don't want any of that to control me. I want enough money to be able to do what I want, more or less when I want - but the key is knowing what you truly want! The one comment I ventured was that I grew up dirt poor and was happy. Granted, I didn't even get to finish that thought before being put in my place... that person negated my comment by saying that they had grown up on food stamps, so what did I know? It's not whoever was poorer wins, (although being on food stamps is hardly proof of anything if you had money for swimming lessons and everything else) No, it's not about the amount of money, it's the outlook. My family has never had much money, and although we were aware of it, we never lacked for happiness. I grew up a dryad; my friends were imaginary; my joys were the woods, the creek, and the kitchen table where I was in heaven if I had a scissors, crayons, and glue. Although there was a lot of pain in my childhood, I would never change the fact that we were lower working class.

Anyhoo, there's nothing inherently wrong with having money, nor is there anything inherently wrong with not... it's all in your precepts. So tell me, what do you need to be happy? What securities do you buy to ward off your fears?

Wednesday, August 22, 2007

Dyslexic Existentialism

Thanks to Redblur's recommendation, I present to you my fortune cookie:

Your dyslexic existentialism may attract fiends but drive away your friends.
Get a cookie from Miss Fortune
Who wrote this fortune: Kierkegaard? Nietzsche? Sartre? Deep Thought? Randomly generated code? (I think not)

I accept and refute that I am dyslexic. If I am dyslexic, it is because I say I am, and at least I'm aware of relative motion. That somebody else should apply that label... I find that humorous; we are all dyslexic. I don't speak of the learning disability in its traditional sense, but of a more universal application. If we each create our own meaning in life, then how could it be anything other than dyslexic? And why should I think that my perception is worth less because I understand and accept that it is relative, skewed, flawed? Of course it's flawed! That's art; that's life.

I rather think I should like to make the acquaintance of a few more fiends. 1) The demon is more interesting than the saint (unless perhaps we are referring to Val Kilmer’s portrayal), 2) the feverishly devoted understand unfaltering commitment, 3) the addicts of the world at least know to what they're addicted, and 4) I'm always up for touching foreheads with a great mind.

And should I drive my friends away, then they are not my friends. Ob la de, c'est la vie.

Thank goodness I create my own meaning in life! :) I wonder what I'll create tomorrow... I'm thinking homemade PlayDo...

Tuesday, August 21, 2007

"Ask not what your country can do for you..."

Many thanks to Wicked for this link: Advisory Committee on Human Radiation Experiments. At least we're not testing on mice - I mean, hey, we've got scruples! I'm a personal fan of the List of Experiments page - who wouldn't want plutonium injections or absorption and dissolution of atmospheric and inhaled radon?! This does, however, explain why Dad glows in the dark. When he mentioned working for the government, I didn't realize he meant worked on by the government... such a minor technicality, after all.

And, I am in love with this picture. When I become a raindrop, I want to explode.

Monday, August 20, 2007

Down by the Schoolyard

Tee hee :) They tell me to stop acting like a child...
but they don't realize they're complimenting me!

Sunday, August 19, 2007

Sleeping Beauty

While the house was being shown this evening, Aaron and I made our usual pilgrimage to Barnes and Noble. Settling down with my book and pen, I quickly noticed a girl c. 8 y/o in the chair next to me. It was clear that she was there by herself, waiting for who knows whom or how long. With a heart-wrenching look of loneliness, she was hugging a stuffed bunny rabbit that, judging by the tags still on it, she'd gotten from the children's section not too long before. We snuck furtive glances at each other and soon worked up the nerve to exchange shy smiles. I wanted to scoop her up and hug her. What could I do? I loaned her my iPod with a Disney playlist primed and ready to go. Watching her snuggled up with her borrowed bunny and iPod, I must confess that I got little real reading accomplished. To watch her with a smile, slowly falling asleep as she nuzzled further and further into the back of her chair, was all I needed. (And in case you're wondering, we stayed at Barnes and Noble long after our house was returnable until someone finally came to pick up the girl. And I didn't turn the mother into a pillar of salt, so that's good.)

In other news, this evening's soundtrack is provided by The Everly Brothers and Prince, lol. What an interesting combination, but I assure you, there is a unifying theme. Isn't there always? And no, I don't have to tell you what that theme is! :P

Saturday, August 18, 2007

Idle thoughts of immortality and grease

A follow-up on my beloved flipflops. Are they not gorgeous? I am particularly affectionate toward the hole in the right heel. They are magic, immortal flipflops. Eventually they will cease to be flipflops and will transfigure into the soles of my feet.

(shuffle the playlist)

I love that I never get tired of eating at McDonald's (helps that I do it so rarely). Growing up, there weren't many to remember; until I reached college, the number totaled less than 10. I distinctly remember the first time. The advertising campaign, Mac Tonight, included a crescent-headed guy on the piano playing a mutilated jingle based off Mac the Knife. The second time was in junior high on a band trip. I recall all this fondly as I eat a bacon, egg, and cheese biscuit. Greasy, golden goodness. (great green globs of greasy, grimy gopher guts). I may not eat large quantities, but few people enjoy those four bites more than I. :)

Thursday, August 16, 2007

In with the chi, out with the monkey

I have lost my focus and my center. Known this for a while, felt myself drifting gradually. I'm reverting to my old self. I like to tell myself that if I could find answers, even if not the answers I want to hear, then I could find peace. Must reshift the focus of my tanha, direct it internally. Find inner happiness regardless of other's feelings toward me. Regardless of answers. Regardless if others do not like me as much as I would prefer. This is currently my hurdle. In 6th grade, at recess I would jump over all of the hurdles that had been left out for the high school track team. Then one day I went to a meet and watched a runner fail to clear the hurdle - and fall flat on his face. I never jumped a hurdle again. I alone hold the gom jabbar to my neck.

I must not fear.
Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path.
Where the fear has gone there will be nothing.
Only I will remain.
I need to sit silently, motionless, for a while. Unclog the drain and let my mind empty.

Voodoo Artisan Extraordinaire

Who do voodoo? You do voodoo!

In my unending quest to not feel useless, I have awarded myself the prestigious title of Voodoo Artisan at work. Mum always told me that I should never hate someone... but she failed to caution against a little creative vindication.

Certain individuals who shall remain nameless have been bad. They need to be punished. :)

Wednesday, August 15, 2007

Charlie Square Pants

I was forwarded this personality quiz, and since I do so love quizipoos, I thought I’d annotate and share. Everyone has a personality of a cartoon character, so says the quiz’s original introduction, and I have several. (but most of those are from ancient cartoons and therefore aren’t an option in this quizipoo.) But, I hate multiple choice questions – so I’ve turned them into short answers. (It’s like a sickness that I have to annotate.) And my selections are in bold.

1. Which one of the following describes the perfect date?
a) Candlelight dinner (4 pts.)
Yes, but not in a restaurant. Better yet, how about a star-lit dinner?
b) Fun/Theme Park (2 pts.)
Oooh, yes please! I’m such an adrenaline junkie after all.
c) Painting in the park (5 pts.)
If I get to be involved in the painting process, then absolutely. Preferably very messy painting that involves a canvas on the ground and body paint.
d) Rock concert (1 pt.)
Meh, no. Not unless I’ve known the person for a while and don’t care if I can’t talk to them at all. But that wouldn’t be a date; it’d be an outing.
e) Going to the movies (3 pts.)
I am a simple person and easily pleased. Dinner and a movie, old standbys though they may be, are my favorites. I prefer watching the movie at home however since the theater restricts your actions too much.

2. What is your favorite type of music?
a) Rock and Roll (2 pts.)
b) Alternative (1 pt.)
c) Soft Rock (4 pts.)
d) Country (5 pts.)
Old country, yes. Johnny Cash,absolument. Otherwise, may it die a thousand deaths.
e) Pop (3 pts.)
I demand more options! I want ska! I want industrial! I want anime themes! I want musical soundtracks!

3. What type of movies do you prefer?
a) Comedy (2 pts.)
I love to laugh and be happy. I love happy endings.
b) Horror (1 pt.)
NO. Hell no. I can’t separate myself from the movie. Give me blood, guts, and gore? Fine. But psychological scary… fighting against fear and that which you can not fight against… *shudder* I literally will not sleep that night, nor will anyone around me… and the sheets will be soaked in sweat and twisted in a knot from my tossing and turning all night.
c) Musical (3 pts.)
Yes, please!
d) Romance (4 pts.)
Romantic comedies are default, but my heartstrings are easily tugged.
e) Documentary (5 pts.)
For a full-length movie, not so much. I loves me a documentary cuz I’m a nerd like that, but I prefer them in short bursts.
What about action movies? How about drama? Wow, such a limited range offered… unfair, I hate to be fettered.


4. Which one of these occupations would you choose if you only could choose one of these?
a) Waiter (4 pts.)
b) Professional Sports Player (5 pts.)
c) Teacher (3 pts.)
d) Police (2 pts.)
e) Cashier (1 pt)
I have little to say in this line… Part of me wants to answer “Cashier” just because right now I enjoy a job that doesn’t really require anything out of me but pays the bills just fine. No expectations, no demands… and plenty of time to stretch my brain however I want.

5 . What do you do with your spare time?
a) Exercise (5 pts.)
Hehe, that’s funny. Wait… I exercise my mind, does that count?
b) Read (4 pts.)
In my list of daily priorities, reading comes somewhere between eating and breathing.
c) Watch television (2 pts.)
I have my shows, and to them I am dedicated, but I really don’t watch that much tv.
d) Listen to music (1 pt.)
Not fair – I listen to music always, not just in my spare time and rarely in isolation of everything else. If reading is more important than eating but slightly less necessary than breathing, then listening to music IS breathing. It’s not something you do in your spare time, it IStime.
e) Sleep (3 pts.)
I love my pillow, BlackPaw, and Chyna. They are my snuggle buddies.

6. Which one of the following colors do you like best?
Like them in what context? This is a trick question!
a) Yellow (1 pt.)
I use yellow as a tool. I tell it, “You are going to cheer me up.” And usually it acquiesces. But do I like the color? No, and I resent that I’m yellow like a Simpsons character.
b) White (5 pts.)
“There’s a light, white light… inside of you” Wilco
c) Sky Blue (3 pts.)
I love blue, but I want deep royal blue.
d) Dark Blue (2 pts.)
Better, more fitting character for me than sky blue… but I still want deep metallic royal blue.
e) Red (4 pts.)
I don’t associate red with me, but I appreciate it around me.
The color that
should be represented here is somewhere between pine green and moss green… soft, muted… my serenity color. #65802f, #477151, #427a3c, #396c39

7. What do you prefer to eat?
a) Snow (3 pts.)
hehe, I always do. I miss snow igloos and sucking on icicles.
b) Pizza (2 pts.)
plain and simple. There are classics for a reason.
c) Sushi (1 pt.)
Ooooh, me loves the sushi. But it is too refined for my everyday palette. I am a mere commoner.
d) Pasta (4 pts.)
Carbs are my sole mate.
e) Salad (5 pts.)
I enjoy veggies, and have been known to go on salad kicks… but mostly I prefer bad-for-my-hips-and-good-for-my-tongue comfort foods. I will eat what I want and will never diet. The concept angers me. I enjoy complex foods, but always savor the simplest flavors just as much.

8. What is your favorite holiday?
a) Halloween (1 pt.) One of these days, I WILL be Himura Kenshin…wish I were tall and lanky enough to be Spike Spiegel.
b) Christmas (3 pts.)
It’s hard not to pick Christmas… but my vision of Christmas is never reality. Ultimately, I am let down.
c) New Year (2 pts.)
All of the extended W clan at Dad’s house… always enjoyable, but it reminds me that I feel like an outsider, never really one of them. Course, I’m sure most if not all of that is my own over-analysis and criticality projecting itself without merit.
d) Valentine's Day (4 pts.)
I hate this holiday. Do not buy me something that dies or that is expensive and useless to symbolize your love. Do not buy me a stock Hallmark card with only your signature on the inside. Eric Clapton says it well. I am a romantic and am insulted by cheap thoughtless tokens… particularly if I’m expected to be impressed.
e) Thanksgiving (5 pts.)
Thanksgiving – I get all of my close family – and I get food. Less expectations and stress than Christmas… a lot of lounging around enjoy familial company. Holiday perfection.

9. If you could go to one of these places which one would it be?
a) Paris (4 pts)
Duh.
b) Spain (5 pts)
Duh. Anywhere in Europe, duh. I also want to go to New Zealand, Egypt, India, Japan, Russia, Peru… um, yeah. It will happen, and for now I’m content knowing that it will.
c) Las Vegas (1 pt)
No. I have absolutely no desire to visit Vegas.
d) Hawaii(4 pts)
I don’t wanna wear a swimsuit… but Hawaii would be gorgeous. I would steal a scooter and leave no igneous rock unturned.
e) Hollywood (3 pts)
Meh, stupid people with too much money. I have no use for them.

10. With which of the following would you prefer to spend time?
a) Someone Smart (5 pts.)
I am an intellectual snob, so be it. Give me brains and an open mind, and I am in heaven.
b) Someone attractive (2 pts.)
Meh, they make me nervous.
c) Someone who likes to party (1 pt.)
If I’m in the mood. I need these people to get my arse off the couch and away from the computer. I always end up enjoying myself.
d) Someone who always has fun (3 pts.)
Yes! Someone who has fun no matter what they are doing. Someone who isn’t high maintenance and is just as happy sitting on the couch discussing philosophy with me as they are with extravagant plans.
e) Someone very sentimental (4 pts.)
Ugh… it was so hard not to pick this answer. I am so very sentimental, to a fault. I can feel my Anne mood coming on just thinking about it.

(29-35 points) You are Sponge Bob Square Pants:
You are the classic person that everyone loves. You are the best friend that anyone could ever have and never wants to lose. You never cause harm to anyone and they would never not understand your feelings (at a surface level, I’d agree that people understand my feelings, ok). Life is a journey (It’s all about the journey, not the destination!), it's funny and calm for the most part. Stay away from traitors and jealous people (haha, ya think?), and you will be stress free.
Because I scored 35 and thus borderline, I claim both Sponge Bob and Charlie Brown; they are both correct.
(36-43 points) You are Charlie Brown:
You are tender, you fall in love quickly but you are also very serious about all relationships. (yeppers) You are a family person. You call your Mom every Sunday. (more than that!) You have many friends(nope) and may occasionally forget a few Birthdays (always, don’t take it personally). Don't let your passion confuse you with reality. (ah, yes, I needed that reminder… le sigh…)

Tuesday, August 14, 2007

Twice I Have Heard This



Nope!

But I do want to watch Les Misérables again!

All in the Family

You'd be proud of me, Dad. I am most certainly my father's daughter.

I waffle (mmm... I still want waffles and bacon) between mortification and indignation, and I guess in truth I'm just going to have to admit both. But I won’t discuss either here, instead you get backstory.

When dealing with my father, there is one unerring and Universal Truth: Never sneak up on him. Suffice to say that Dad has only just recently retired from a long career in which coworkers routinely one-upped each other for the best sneak attack. Often with the cunning use of rubber snakes. I personally think that specific technique is diabolical, but anyway, I don’t suggest surprising Dad unless you’re prepared to run quickly or get a knee-jerk response that will leave you flat on your ass. I speak from experience, hehe. Granted, I knew what I was getting myself into each time I goosed my father, so what else could I do when I found myself on the ground with a few extra bruises but laugh? Which reminds me of the time when Aaron and I were practicing the pointblank attack that B uses to break out of her coffin in Kill Bill Vol. 1… and Dad decides he wants to try it too… on me, lol. Imagine my surprise when he followed through with it and I found myself staggering back a few feet, lol. I’m not sure who was more surprised – him or me. As always, he underestimates his own strength… that and he forgets I’m a girl, lol. But yeah, one of my favorite pastimes has always been seeing if I can sneak attack my father and make it out unscathed. And when one instigates this sort of shenanigans, one must also learn to always be on the defensive.

So you see I come by it naturally. I’m jumpy, and I’m punchy. Just ask OP – he’s nearly gotten the snot beat out of him a couple times for sneaking up on me.

Sunday, August 12, 2007

It feels guilty to feel this good

I walked into the library to return three books; I walked out with six.

"Hehehehe," I say in my best Muttley impersonation, "hehehehehe."

And what, you might ask, inspired my guiltily happy chortle?

Three books by/about Dostoevsky and three by/about Nietzsche. Books have not made me this happy (and that, dear Reader, is saying a lot) since discovering Jane Austen.

But wait - it gets better! How can you improve upon Henry Miller (for I still have some books by/about him at home), Dostoevsky, and Nietzsche?! Mein Gott - I found Pixy Stix! Sweet divinity... to hell with nectar of the gods - I have found the cocaine of the gods. You poor, poor mortals.

Saturday, August 11, 2007

Tant pis pour...

for whom - you? me?

I love lazy days; every Saturday is a lazy day for me lately. For all of my activity and love of life, I am indolent. Yes, I enjoy rock climbing, hiking, clubbing, ad activity infinitum, but when was the last time I exerted more energy than is required to turn the page of my book? If someone would ask me to join in their exploits, I would surely be there. But left to my own devices? I return to this lazy point of stasis: lounge, graze, fade in and out of sleep, write, read, shuffle and repeat.

What would I like to be doing right now? Laying on a hillside looking up at the night sky, philosophizing with a friend. But it is 102 degrees of full sunlight, and there is no hill or friend in sight.

So I'll just lay here in my horribly mismatched - and very comfy - clothes with Chyna snuggled around my feet, shoulder, leg at the end of the couch. And I'll think about ones who do not think of me.

But wait! One day later and one quote greater - "The direct, legitimate, immediate result of consciousness is inertia." Horray for Dostoevsky!!

Tuesday, August 07, 2007

I spy a radio transmitter

I surmise with my inner eye...

...the more contradictions and complexities I see within myself, the more I am aware that I am the simplest wavelength imaginable, and the discord I see is my intersection, dissection, and reflection with other frequencies.

...we are all one frequency, some of us are just humming off key.

Monday, August 06, 2007

All Grown Up


and saving China. (but first maybe a lottery ticket)

HAPPY 18th BIRTHDAY, ASHUMS! So glad you called today, and since I know you'll get your card before you read this message - I find it hilarious that you - after how many months if not years - started singing Hoops and Yoyo. I don't care what the lab results say, you'll always be my little sister. And now, methinks my psychic sister!

Sunday, August 05, 2007

Sweet Obsession

Always an avid reader of anything I can get in my paws, I happily admit to reading dictionaries; textbooks (medical, legal, physics, sociology, religious studies, history, you name it); sci-fi; bohemian rhapsodies; Victorian American and British literature; the directions, ingredients, and warnings on shampoo bottles; body language; song lyrics (currently Peter Gabriel); manga; subtitles to foreign movies; immortal philosophers (I drank what?); license plates; the subtle spaces between your words... and rarely satisfied with just one, I balance a book between my toes, a pamphlet in my left hand, and a keyboard and mouse in my right.

But ah, sweet obsession, Henry Miller. All else falls by the wayside. I don't ask for much in life, only what I cannot have. Why should this be any different? Look how seductively it taunts me, pivoting slowly, toying with me.

Meanwhile, I content myself by reading the local library's copy of H. Miller's "Tropic of Capricorn" (I'm in love with the first page) a second time and reading Edmund Burke's "A Philosophical Inquiry into the Origin of Our Ideas of The Sublime and Beautiful" online.

Saturday, August 04, 2007

Water Bearer

Not that I pay the least bit of attention to astrology, but this fits me to a T. Forgive me as this is a long quote dump, but I want to interact with it before I share. Blue text is the website; red text is yours truly.

Aquarians basically possess strong and attractive personalities. They fall into two principle types: one shy, sensitive, gentle and patient; the other exuberant, lively and exhibitionist, sometimes hiding the considerable depths of their character under a cloak of frivolity. Of course, I am both types and often bounce between them with amazing rapidity. Hiding under a cloak of frivolity? - oh yes, this is something I do quite well. Both types are strong willed and forceful in their different ways yes and have strong convictions, yes though as they seek truth above all things, YES! they are usually honest enough to change their opinions, however firmly held, if evidence comes to light which persuades them that they have been mistaken. yes, although I am not easily convinced They have a breadth of vision that brings diverse factors into a whole, and can see both sides of an argument without shilly-shallying as to which side to take. which can be fun when used to toy with others, lol Consequently they are unprejudiced and tolerant of other points of view. and in turn, frustrated that others are not so with me. This is because they can see the validity of the argument, even if they do not accept it themselves. They obey the Quaker exhortation to "Be open to truth, from whatever source it comes," ooooh, I like that. and are prepared to learn from everyone and everything; there is knowledge and truth in everything. I'm not sure if this could represent me any more if it had been written with me in mind. Kinda makes me wonder if there was a man with a hidden camera all my life, taking notes.

Both types are humane, frank, serious minded, genial, refined, sometimes ethereal, and idealistic, though this last quality is tempered with a sensible practicality. That's me as a laundry list. They are quick, active and persevering without being self-assertive, and express themselves with reason, moderation and sometimes, a dry humor. And there's the second load of laundry! Um, yeah... I'm busy looking for the hidden camera... brb...

They are nearly always intelligent, concise, clear and logical. Intellegent, yes, but unless I feel comfortable with the person to whom I'm speaking, I usually come off muddled and spacey. Many are strongly imaginative yep and psychically intuitive, so that the Age of Aquarius, which is about to begin, is much anticipated by psychic circles as an age in which mankind will experience a great spiritual awakening. Come on, sing with me - This is the dawning of the age of Aquarious... The Aquarian philosophical and spiritual bent may be dangerous in that it can drive the subjects into an ivory-tower existence where they meditate on abstractions that bear little relevance to life. True... but I am working on that. On the other hand it can help the many who have scientific leanings to combine these with the Aquarian yearning for the universal recognition of the brotherhood of man, and to embark on scientific research to fulfill their philanthropic ideals of benefiting mankind. See! And heaven knows I inhale knowledge like a Hoover with a broken off switch. I am a space cadet who has designed the rocket ship in her head so that everyone else just thinks I'm spacey. Although my "philanthropic" focus is inward at the moment, I do gain my greatest happiness from helping others. When some cause or work of this nature inspires them, they are capable of such devotion to it that they may drive themselves to the point of exhaustion and even risk injuring their health. This is true. I now am learning to be selfish. It's a novelty I had always repressed.

Both types need to retire from the world at times and to become temporary loners. At times? I'm always a loner. A loner that craves the company of a highly select few. (I do so love my seeming contradictions) They appreciate opportunities for meditation or, if they are religious, of retreats. In with the Chi, repulse the monkey... :) Even in company they are fiercely independent, refusing to follow the crowd. Ah, this is one that perhaps does not fit so well. I am becoming fiercely independent and would like to be more so, but as to going against the crowd, I am very subtle so that others do not notice. They dislike interference by others, however helpfully intended, and will accept it only on their own terms. Lol, yep. Normally they have good taste in drama, music and art, and are also gifted in the arts, especially drama. Ah, but not as much as I would prefer. I am envious of artists - in any medium - and am fascinated to watch them create, to live vicariously through them and to glean something through osmosis.

In spite of the often intensely magnetic, forthcoming and open personality of the more extrovert kind of Aquarian, and of their desire to help humanity, neither type makes friends easily. They sometimes appear to condescend to others and take too little trouble to cultivate the acquaintance of people who do not particularly appeal to them. I haven't found the hidden camera yet... but I'm now convinced of its existence. People whom I like can never believe this until they see me around others... but this is me to a T. I do not like "people" - those I classify as "not friends" - and see no point in wasting my time. I hate making menial conversation - Yes, I think you provide the intellectual stimulation of limestone and much prefer to sit in a corner watching you and the other ants in your social mill.

They do not give themselves easily - perhaps their judgment of human nature is too good for that - and are sometimes accounted cold. But once they decide that someone is worthy of their friendship or love, oh man, when I do... watch out! they can exert an almost hypnotic and irresistible mental attraction on them and will themselves become tenacious friends or lovers, ready to sacrifice everything for their partners and be faithful to them for life. However, they are sometimes disappointed emotionally because their own high personal ideals cause them to demand more of others than is reasonable. Ah, all so true!! I would only add that I categorize people into 3 categories: People, Friends, and Kindred Spirits. I hate People; I love Friends. With Kindred Spirits, however, I have no fences and love with a sort of ferocity that can easily scare others away. With these few (I can count more fingers than K.S.), I would happily sacrifice everything... and yes, I expect the same ferocity and am often disappointed. And if they are deceived, their anger is terrible. If disillusioned, they do not forgive. I do forgive although it is unlikely that I will trust them again. And for me, trust is everything. My anger scares even me, but I have worked hard for self-awareness and control. Woe to the person who backs me into a corner, however. They will regret it immediately; I will regret it after the lava has cooled.

Aquarians work best in group projects, provided that they are recognized as having a leading part in them. Wow, the first incorrect thing. I much prefer to work alone where nobody can screw up my work and where I don't have to act as a crutch for the others. I always end up doing everybody else's work. They have a feeling of unity with nature and a desire for knowledge and truth that makes them admirable scientists, especially astronomers and natural historians. Unity with nature, YES! Desire for knowledge - I inhale everything, YES! They may excel in photography, radiography, electronics - anything connected with the electrical and radio industries - aviation and everything technical. Although I have an analytical and mechanical turn of mind, I have never worked with electronics, etc. Photography, on the other hand, I adore. Please donate to the Buy Erin a Big-Ass Expensive Camera fund. On the arts and humanities side their progressive tendencies can be expressed in writing, especially poetry, and broadcasting, or as welfare workers and teachers. Teaching, yes, but teachers don't get to do that anymore (I'm too perfectionistic and idealistic to make a good teacher anyway)... but I do loves me my writing - can you tell? hehe Some have gifts as entertainers and make good character actors (having an ability to mimic) and musicians. I can't tell a story to save my life, but I enjoy drama. I play flute and piccolo. I have also taught myself to play clarinet. I used to be able to play the sax and trumpet decently when I was back in high school because I would steal other's instruments. It takes me about 2 weeks to get ~intermediate proficiency on an instrument. The more psychic among them possess healing gifts, especially in curing the mentally sick. Um, nope. Although I have been told that I have that gift. *shrug*

Among the faults to which they are liable are fanatical eccentricity, wayward egotism hardly, although I have little time for ignorance, excessive detachment and an inclination to retreat from life and society, can be true, yes and a tendency to be extremely dogmatic in their opinions. NO! Nothing is black and white, there is never a one true way... everything is subjective, and dogmatic opinions/expressions irritate me beyond belief. (And please tell me you see the contradiction and irony in what I just said, lol) Aquarians can be a threat to all they survey or a great boon for humanity in general. Circumstances - for example, continuous opposition to a cause they hold dear - may cause the atrophy of the openness of mind that is one of the Aquarian's most attractive traits. They may express a lack of integrity in broken promises, secretiveness or cunning. Simmering anger and resentment, rudeness or, worse, a tense, threatening silence which may suddenly burst out in eruptions of extreme temper, these are all part of the negative side of the Aquarian. This can also reveal itself in a sustained hatred for enemies that is capable of enlarging itself into a misanthropy toward the whole of mankind. Ah, the old me... I remember it well.

Eh, what's up, Doc?

My mind is racing all of the place lately; I can't seem to pin it down. Random thoughts in my head -

Being cultured in Osage county where I grew up meant watching Warner Brother's Loony Tunes each Saturday morning. (And people now wonder why I like opera or Steinbeck as much as I do, lol.)

Megster turned 9 on Friday, and I am in shock. Ashums turns 18 on Monday, and I am in denial. There are a ton of related thoughts to this last occurrence, but I can't get past that thought... 18...18...18... wish she were closer...18...18...18...

Patience has never been a virtue of mine. I do not like boundaries.