In with the chi, out with the monkey

I have lost my focus and my center. Known this for a while, felt myself drifting gradually. I'm reverting to my old self. I like to tell myself that if I could find answers, even if not the answers I want to hear, then I could find peace. Must reshift the focus of my tanha, direct it internally. Find inner happiness regardless of other's feelings toward me. Regardless of answers. Regardless if others do not like me as much as I would prefer. This is currently my hurdle. In 6th grade, at recess I would jump over all of the hurdles that had been left out for the high school track team. Then one day I went to a meet and watched a runner fail to clear the hurdle - and fall flat on his face. I never jumped a hurdle again. I alone hold the gom jabbar to my neck.

I must not fear.

Fear is the mind-killer.

Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.

I will face my fear.

I will permit it to pass over me and through me.

And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path.

Where the fear has gone there will be nothing.

Only I will remain.

I need to sit silently, motionless, for a while. Unclog the drain and let my mind empty.