The Turkey is dead; long live the mistletoe!

I have nothing to say. I am in the same stupid position that I was in the last time I checked in, job-wise, that is. Always laying around without purpose has dulled my mind so that I can't even bs my way out of a boring post. Sorry.

Nothing interesting has happened... so let's hash over the boring, shall we? I just spent my entire morning fixing a messy financial problem. Due to a confusing issue of ordered checks not being delivered, the bank canceled the series of checks that had been lost. Apparently they canceled one check too many - our rent check for last month was shredded when it reached the bank. That was a month ago. Just yesterday Country Squires calles us and says that due to a cancelled rent payment, we now owe $150 in addition to the regular $654 rent! Long story short, I spent a quarter of a tank of gas going back and forth between the apartment office and the bank trying to get everything worked out so that I wouldn't have to pay the extra $150 since the error was the bank's. Just when I'd think that I had everything worked out, Country Squire would send me back for some imbecilic detail not previously mentioned. So, in two days, I've coughed up $1300 in rent. Merry Christmas!

Thanksgiving was good. Aaron and I pulled into Westphalia around 2pm and spent Turkey Day with my brother Wayne and his wife's family. Seven kids under the age of five, four of which are four-year old boys. InSANity. At one particularly loud point, I yelled across the room to Aaron, "Hey, do you still want to have kids?" I'm not exactly sure what he replied, since the 7th level of Dante's hell broke forth in the living room between us, but I'm sure it was an affirmative - who wouldn't want kids that can double as fog horns? But, I thouroughly enjoyed seeing my family, especially since Mom and Dad were there. Aaron and I spent the night at Jeanette and Berry's once they got home from his family's festivities. I wish I had some exciting events to relate from that visit, but that night and the next day were lost in a haze of tryptophan. After stopping in to see my mom and George again the afternoon, we drove up to spent the rest of the weekend with Aaron's family. I have to admit that I wasn't the most social of beasts, since I was engulfed in the newly discovered (thanks to Mom) and beautiful world of Soduko, or Japanese number puzzle. (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sudoku)

Our drive back home was made interesting thanks to the constant tornado and severe storm warnings that blanketed the entire second half of our trip. Mom was so nervous the entire time, not just because we were driving at night and through dangerous storms, but because someone she knew had died in a car wreck on that same highway.

But, luckily we made it back safe and sound. O-ren handled the four days of independence quite well, although she's now on a diet after eating the week and a half's worth of food that we'd left her.

Keeping Myself Busy, Even If I Am Unemployed

I can't stand not being productive, not pulling in a paycheck. I have most ducks lined up for substituting and for gaining certification here in Tennessee, except for some forms from Truman that haven't been sent yet. The waiting game isn't the best pastime in the world.

Mid-Southern Belle

My first full day in Memphs, TN. My trip down here was relatively simple. I let O-Ren ride out of her cage for most of the trip. After about the first hour of demanding lap attention and mewing piteously, she settled down in the backseat to nap for most of the drive. Poor thing, having to endure a 6 1/2 trip with an injured paw. Speaking of which, I took her to a vet after she had been limping for over 24 hours. The vet can't find anything wrong with her, although she suggested that she have an X-ray after a few days if she didn't show any signs of improvement. That would make today Day Four with neither improvement or worsening. I plan on waiting until the end of the week before I take her to a vet down here. I'm so worried about her... I wish we knew what her problem was so that we could treat it. She doesn't complain at all though, just hops around the apartment pathetically.

Oh yeah, about Memphis. So I've officially been in Memphis now for 24 hours. I hate not having a job... laying around the house all day SUCKS. I can't wait for Aaron to get home so that I can get out of the house!

Wake me up when October ends

Surprisingly, as if I didn't know it was coming, it is already down to the last week or so. I don't know if it will ever really sink in that Missouri is no longer my home. It's part of my family... I can't just walk away from it. Surely it comes with me. Or surely I come back to it.

This move has been surprisingly easy for me, and I don't just mean the technicalities of breaking a contract with Blair Oaks, picking up my belongings and packing it down south.... but no, even the emotional and mental roller coaster hasn't been so bad, although I'm sure you all are cocking an eyebrow at me with that statement, given my past few posts. So maybe I'm in a glass-half-full mentality right now, but I have been dealing with the separation from family, friends, everything I've ever known, etc. quite well, thank you very much. I think Aaron has too, for that matter, although it feels like I barely know him lately. He's much stronger than I am... what with being down there alone and with his dad's situation. I'm sure I would be a mental basketcase by now. Lots of bananas and coconuts.

The Juniors turned in their short stories today... that amounts to about 80 of the eventual 130 papers that will grace my desk, awaiting my red-inked sword. 6 more days to grade them all, and only about 5 graded. lol..... I'm in denial. And on that note, I'm going to go to bed.

so there you have it, whatever "it" is...

I finally realized that it is not my job to shoulder all of the responsibility for this situation. I feel much better with this decision - it rings true, unlike previously when I shouldered all of the blame. However, now Aaron has to take responsibility for his part... and I feel terrible for making him sad. In many ways, it was much easier to internalize the blame because then Aaron could go about safe and unharmed.

... He doesn't appreciate me airing this dirty laundry, I'm sure... guess I should stop. I do want to say that, despite all of my ranting, raving, and moping, are relationship is just fine. Everybody has rocks, etc.... I'm just very analytic and alverbose.

I know he's not in the greatest of moods right now... but I'm actually feeling pretty good. I know I've come to the right conclusion... and that's just a great feeling. Aaron and I have our issues to work out.... but, God, I love him. Every time we get through an issue, I'm just overwhelmed with that... kinda like a mini falling in love again. Sounds so cheesy. Oh well, I love cheese. I miss him so much; it's pathetic. You'd think we've been apart for a year or something, instead of just 1 month.

Wow, only 1 month? Seems like at least 2-3. Seems like another 2-3 before I can move down there, instead of just 2 weeks.

And yeah, honesty, however painful, is always better than deceiption.

drained

You are the truly naive who kill with a blade of honesty yet do not see your own handiwork.

why is it

why is it that when i am miserable, you must be miserable as well?

misery or honesty, they are both the same

insecurity

First day of the last month

A Mrs. Karwoski has officially been hired to replace me by the end of the first quarter - October 14th. Within 7 days of interviewing her, they offered her the job, she accepted, and she began her first days in the classroom. Including last week, she'll have three weeks of "transition time" - three weeks of me still being the Teacher, where she can basically just sit there and watch. I've tried to have her do a few things as Teacher, but with the classes finishing up their short stories, a lot of time is given to the students to work on rough drafts. She will have the last week with the Juniors all to herself, though. It'l be curious to see how that goes. It'll be nice to go to school knowing that all I have to do is sit there and grade papers. Course, I won't really be doing a lot of "teaching" this week either, not with all the kids in the computer lab writing.

Anyhoo, everything's going well on the Blair Oaks end. I'm trying to work with Mum and Dad on how to get my tush and my remaining possessions out of Monica and Cory's basement and down to Cordova. If I wait until Dad has a Friday off, I won't go down until the 28th. That means hanging around here for 2 weeks... doing nothing but sitting on my butt. I'll probably drive down by myself as soon as possible, and then on the 28th, meet Mum and Dad at some point in Arkansas and then lead them back to our apartment. Minor technicalities, really... main point is that a tangible deadline is near at hand.

I'm still having issues with Aaron and Nikki... even though when I look at the situation logically, I know I shouldn't. But they went to a movie last night, and she invited him to some friends' place tonight - where I found him at 10pm when I last called. He's honest and open about everything - not like he's trying to sneak around anything. And I should be happy that he has somebody down there - that he isn't all alone. And I run through all the reasons I should be fine with this. But I never can quite reach that point. I know he's not cheating on me, physically or emotionally; yet I still can't get over jealousy issues. He's making new friends, and all I can feel is that he's moving on without me. I don't like it one bit that he's creating a new life down in Memphis without me. He calls me, or I call him, every night, we talk all the time. He called me last night - after he got back from the movies with Nikki, and for 45 minutes talked about minor stuff - saying that even if he didn't have anything to talk about, he just wanted me on the line, because he missed me. And yet I can't shake these negative feelings. Why am I so controlling? I don't own him. I just want 110% of his time, thoughts, everything. How irrational. So insecure, really. That's what it all boils down to. Society has screwed me over on this one. You should be insecure about how you look. Accomplished. A relationship is between only two people and any other person who gets too close is deemed a threat. Priviledged access to body, heart, and soul. Accomplished. Be insecure about yourself and your control over relationships. Fear pain, loss, isolation - control your partner to ensure you are never alone. Trust is for fools. All accomplished. Insecurity reigns.

On a more positive note, cuz hey, what isn't positive about that last rant? Aaron's head bosses, Dr. Ke and Dr. Kutteh asked for my resume and are currently out spreading it around to people they know. Aaron said that there might even be an opening some place. It's hard to say what will come of all of this. I really have no idea what will come of me when I do finally make it to Cordova. I still haven't finished filling out the Substitute Teacher application. Apparently I have to take another TB test, have an interview, AND take a training session! I'm not thinking ahead very well. I'm more concerned with just getting down there, not what I'll do once I'm there.

Once I'm there... so many questions. So much newness, uncertainty. I wonder how I'll handle it all.

End in Sight, I Think

It's amazing how quickly things can change in a week! Well, maybe not a lot has changed... Aaron's still in Memphis without me, I'm still at Blair Oaks teaching... but the outlook for my prospective replacements has significantly improved over just the last 3 work days. I found two interested people - and Blair Oaks found two people. One of mine hasn't gotten back to us in awhile, his loss *shrug*. Two interviews on Friday, one today. This last one seems to be the perfect match, according to Mr. Matlick. And she apparently materialized out of thin air to boot. Matlick even went so far as to admit that he's been "gushing" about her all day long since he's so excited to not just have found a band-aid, but a quality teacher he hopes will stick around. Which, that's a pretty darn amazing find, seeing as most quality teachers are, well, teaching this time of year.

So I should be able to quietly slip out of my contract at the end of the quarter - Oct. 14 would be my last day. This new girl, Heidi K-something or other sounds like she wants to meet up with me before the end of the semester and make the transition of Power a smooth one. (Doesn't Power with a capital P seem so much more athoritative?) :)

Aaron's loving his new job - what he's doing, the people he's working with, everything. Needless to say (but I'm going to anyway), I'm thrilled - and relieved. Wouldn't that just suck if I had quit my job and been replaced just in time for Aaron to decide that the new job just isn't a good fit? He's even got a friend... the boss's daughter. Ok, so maybe not the ideal situation, but he's been pretty lonely down there all by himself. Is it wrong for me to hope she's butt ugly? Aaron and I have a fantastic relationship based on all that shtuff that couples are supposed to have in theory but rarely actually do... you know, shtuff like trust, honesty, communication. And I do trust Aaron... but this society is built off of insecurity and suspicion... and heaven knows I am insecure. It didn't help that Monica doesn't hold Aaron in high regards. It seems she's more than ready to look negatively upon him. Granted, he dug his own hole this time... but I know how this looks and I'd rather she not have this to add to her list of reasons to frown upon his every move.

I know Aaron comes off badly sometimes... but why do people have to be so judgemental?

I am happy to have this basement and situation in general, though. Beyond measure. What I would have done without Monica and Cory offering up their home is beyond me. Not only do I have friends at a stone's throw whenever I'm lonely, but I have the entire basement to myself - AND Monica's homecooked meals every night. I feel bad saying anything that might sound ungrateful... it just hurts me to know that as hard as Aaron tried to please them, he still wasn't good enough. At first I was ashamed... how terrible is that? I talked to Aaron and made it out like everything was all his fault, that he needed to be more aware of social cues. Which, this is true, he comes on strong a lot. But it's not just his fault.

Anyway... I could ramble on and on and on about this...

This weekend Mom and I went to Art in the Park which was fantastic - beautiful art all over the park, Das Stein Haus German food, and a kick-butt live jazz band! Aaron's coming into Jeff next weekend (!!!!) for Dad's hayride. I can't wait to see him...to HUG!! him even! I've invited two co-workers from school, both middle-aged women whom I adore. Hopefully they'll have a blast.

Homecoming is this week... interesting, to say the least. At least we have shortened days Thurs. and Friday. Can't complain there. Only a month left before the quarter's over!

Did I say that?

Did I say Oklahoma City? What I really meant was Memphis. Yeah, that's it... they're easily confused. Approximately an hour before Aaron called OKC to ACCEPT the job, he (for some unknown and crazy reason) decided to submit his application for a nearly identical job in Memphis, TN. A few short days later, after confirming everything with Integris, Aaron gets a call from Memphis. Significant pay increase mentioned, Aaron was soon shuffled onto a plane to check things out for himself. After a weekend of wining, dining and apartment searching with his future bosses, Aaron decided to change the address on his acceptance letter from OKC to Memphis.

I'm thrilled about the change, even if it is abrupt and chaotic. We had very little time to act, however, and between teaching, moving Aaron's stuff into my sister's shed (temporarily until he can move to Memphis), clearing out of our old apartment, moving into Monica and Corey's basement, and knowing that I'll lose Aaron in less than a week...well, I'm exhausted.

I've also decided to finish out the 1st quarter at Blair Oaks and then join Aaron in Memphis. Mr. Matlick was none too pleased to hear this, as you can well imagine. I've promised to help find possible replacements, but that still isn't going to change the fact that the class will be in turmoil for a while when I leave. A friend with whom I graduated has sent in her resume, although she's certified for business, not English. I know she's be a great teacher though. Mr. Matlick mentioned today that she'd called... rather made it sound like he's leaning towards her being a permanent sub for some maternity leaves, rather than step in for me. Which at least gets her in the door.. but she's not likely to stick around the next year when the then-mom returns to reclaim her position.

I'm glad I've made the decision to follow Aaron in Oct. During the first weeks of school, I was so terrified and depressed that I knew I couldn't use Aaron's new job as an excuse to run away from my fears. But, since then I've gotten my Shi'ite together, and somehow, now that I'm confident and know what I'm doing, I realize that I can leave for the right reasons.

O-ren Ishii Ashenafi Poo Poo Kitty Buck is settling in nicely here in the basement, given the fact that there are, residing in the house, another cat and a large chocolate lab. Miss Princess arrived quite dignified, was checking out the place calmly and curiously... and then a flurry of wet noses, toothy hisses and low gutteral rrrrr's. Sadly, I must admit that, excepting the wet nose, the hissy fit was all O-ren's doing.

It feels so odd to be "home" in somebody else's home. I intrude wherever I step. I'm sure I'll lose weight here since I feel rude just browsing their kitchen for food or drink. Little things... laundry, trash... taking a shower when tee only shower to use is upstairs. Mon's glad I'm here... but I'll be ready to move to Memphis. I can never truly relax here.

So much to do, so little time

I'm still in shock that in less than a month, Aaron will be living in another state. In less than a month, I will be living with Monica and Corey, Aaron will be living in Oklahoma, he will begin his new job at Integris Health (Oklahoma's largest not-for-profit health care organization), and I will be nearing my one-month marker as teacher. And let's not forget all of the fun of that interval between now and then. I, at least, know where I'll be moving. Aaron still has to find a decently priced 2-bedroom apartment that has w/d hookups in the unit and allows cats AND that's near where he works. And I can't even begin to imagine moving all of our crap. We have so much of it! So much useless junk... that I can't seem to part with.

I'm still a little more than a month away from my first paycheck; Aaron has two left, but there'll be a small gap between the old job and the new job's paychecks. I wish I could say that we have a nice buffer to fall back on, but unfortunately we don't. Since May 2004, there have only been 4 months where I have pulled in a very meager check for substituting. During that time, our checking and savings balance managed to stay even. The rest of the time, we've been pulling from my savings. It is officially all but nonexistent. Thank heavens that Integris is giving us a lump $2,000 to cover relocation. Hopefully we'll be able to pocket half of that into savings.

To give is better than to receive, right? Most people are familiar with that saying and would agree with it, especially around Christmas time when society is reminded to act out the roles they've created in Hallmark cards. Wait, where was I going? Oh, Mom. Buddha bless her, but she gives so much - all that she has. Two examples: when she moved into her new apartment recently, she paid each person who helped her move $100 - for a grand total of $700. Now, for my graduation, she paid the entire tab for a dinner of 10 people. She also prepared a huge feast for my grad. party the next day, including homemade meatballs, chicken nuggets, 7-layered salad, brownies, veggie trays and so much more. She bought and prepared all that food, and bought 2 casserole dishes for the event which she then gave to Jeanette and I. She prepared everything, set everything up, and then cleaned everything afterwards. She won't allow anybody to not accept the money, and we can't tie her down to keep her from giving through her actions. She never asks for anything in return except for appreciation. She makes us all feel guilty because we aren't able, or willing, to even the balance. I worry about her. Does she give to feel needed? Does she not realize that she already is? Are we not doing all that we can to show her? ... I love you, Mummy!

Decisions, Made and Otherwise

Two weeks ago Aaron and I went to OK City and this past week we went to Chicago - each for interviews. While in Chicago - during the interview, actually - the people from OK City left Aaron a voice msg offering him the job. He plans on accepting that offer tomorrow. Although we're not sure how quickly they'll want him to start, he will most likely be 7 hours away from me by the end of the month. Aaron is excited about the new job - he'll be working with a human fertility clinic doing much of the same stuff as he is at his current job at MU. One perk, his favorite, is that he will have patient interaction as he gets to explain to future parents what his role in the process will be. I will stay here in Missouri, teaching at Blair Oaks, for at least this fall semester, if not the entire school year. I don't really know what I'll do. I'm giving up an ideal teaching position, and I'm not too happy about that. We'll see how well I can hold out - Aaron or my job. But I at least know that I'll teach my class; I refuse to give it up entirely. I also don't know where I'll live for that period while I'm here in MO. We can't afford to pay his rent in OKC ~and~ the $410 for our apt. here in Jeff City. I don't need these 2-bedrooms all to myself anyway. I'm running through my very limited list of options, and not very comfortable with any of them. If I stay with Mum, there is very limited space. If I stay with friends, I am an unwanted imposition. If I stay with... oh wait, there aren't really any other viable options.


How will I live without Aaron for 4.5-9 months? This blog can't do that issue justice... and if it could, it would only make me that much more miserable. When we mention to people that we'll be living apart for so long, they express concern about how it's hard on relationships. Frankly, that irritates me. Oh, I know they mean well - and it is true, I know. But I honestly am not worried about Aaron's and my relationship. It is too strong to be broken by 7 hours and and 4.5-9 months. When I think about if our love with weather this "crisis", I feel a sense of calm, not anxiety. We will make it through this.

However, when I think about HOW we will weather this crisis, I do feel anxiety... dread... panic. At the end of those 4.5 or 9 months, we will be fine. But for that time in between? I will be a mess. Only rather comforting fact is that I know Aaron will be in the same state... if not the same State.

It has not yet sunk in that by Labor Day, my life will be turned upside down. Little will be the same after this month.

The Way I See It

I've completely restructured how my classes will operate, and it's terrifying. Rather than having the flow of classwork all determined by me, I'm taking a much more student-centered approach. Of course, a month ago I would have said the same about my old plan... but now that I've remodeled, I can see just how wrong I was. Two days of writing workshops where at any given moment, every student will be working on something different in genre, focus, everything. One day of reading workshop where every student is reading independently. And two days of class reading where we all read the same piece together. Granted, I provide structure - or else we would have mass chaos, now wouldn't we. But, it seems that the more control and responsibility I give to the students, the more I have to plan and organize for every single possibility.

My biggest concern - how do I provide grades - give numerical significance - to a type of teaching - the way my workshops are set up - that goes against the whole concept of grades? When it comes to the writing workshops, this is my Waterloo. How can you create a uniform structure to numerically assess students who are all doing their own things, have their own goals, etc? Thank God for Nancy Atwell. Can you believe that up until a few weeks ago, I'd left that gem in the original plasticwrap for like 3 years?

But... it's all slowly working out.

Hey, how do you like my classroom? Doesn't it kick a little tushie?! :) I love how the desks are arranged - really works well for me. I can walk among the students while I'm doing a mini lesson or conferencing. I'm such a dork - I even did the whole thing to scale! lol How pathetic am I?! In case you're curious, the bars with diamond studs are chalkboards or message boards, and the bars with ball studs are windows. I don't actually have any bookshelves though... or all of my desks. I do however have two monstrous contraptions, one of which needs to be burned immediately as it is unusable. I need to hunt me down a custodian and get this stuff all worked out.

Oh, btw - I finally got my Praxis results back (for teaching Middle School English) 195/200 - same as my Secondary English results - woo hoo! I hope BHS reemburses me for that thing, since they required me to take it in the first place.

On to Aaron. We're getting ready to drive to Oklahoma City for the 28-29th of this month... and I've bought the Amtrak tickets for us to head to Chicago for Aug. 3-4. The Chicago trip will be interesting... From Jeff to La Plata to Chicago to La Plata to Kirksville to GRADUATION! to Jeff to GRADUATION PARTY! All in a 4 day span! More interestingly... After I get settled from graduation, I have 3 days before my new teacher orientation for school - and then only 6 days until students arrive!!! :S I really REALLY hope that one of these jobs works out for Aaron, particularly the Chicago job, for Aaron. I want him to have a job that he enjoys. He deserves that. From what we can tell now, this one would be a good move for him.

One (big one) down, two to go

Aaron never got the chance to fly out to Worchester for that interview... the headhunters screwed around and weren't able to fly him out there in time. The job went to somebody closer who was able to get in for an interview in time. I'm surprised that I'm not relieved; at least I know that Aaron won't be moving way out there. He should have at least had the chance to interview for the job. Instead, he got screwed out of everything, even the interview. He still has prospects in Chicago and Oklahoma City... so we'll see. But none of these newer jobs are what Aaron really wants to do, not like the job in MA. I guess we'll just have to see what comes around.

Student as teacher, teacher as student

Since my master's work is complete, I'm concentrating now on preparing for my first teaching job. It's a strange feeling, being the Teacher. I've only ever been the Student. Everytime I stare at the computer and try to plan out the first days or weeks or months, my mind goes blank. It's terrifying that so much depends on lil' ol' me. I know that I've complained about this before... guess it just goes to show that it's an ongoing worry for me. I want so badly to have a great classroom, to be a great teacher. But there are so many facets and details! But, I've found that when I get too panicky, the best thing to do is engulf myself in the wise words of some teaching greats... Atwell, Burke, Beach and Marshall... They help me get back into the right frame of mind, map out my classroom philosophies and sometimes even give me concrete ideas to use. But, I can only handle so much teachery stuff per day. On to Oprah.

TGIF

As of 8 o'clock this beautiful Friday morning, I am finished with the stupid digital portfolio and research component, AND as such, should have smooth sailing and relatively nothing to do from here until graduation.

This comes as an especial delight as I spend this entire past Wednesday in Kirksville working on it. Let me illuminate. I left home at 7 a.m. Arrived on campus at 9. Went to work immediately in the library, meeting up with my advisor around 9:45. During the next TEN hours, my advisor keeps me working. Around 4 she informs me that although she could sign off on my portfolio, she thinks I can do better. Now, honestly, I don't give a rat's behind. I just want to get the whole worthless mess out of my hair and get back home in time for dinner. Which, since it's a two hour drive, would mean I'd have to have left then. I talked to some of the other MAE people up there and found it amazing that their (different) advisors aren't nearly so picky and anal like mine. Their advisors don't obsess about one word on a title page that they don't think is just right. (She wouldn't even believe her bible, the 2005 MLA handbook, so I had to redo everything for her exacting standards.) I apparently got the advisor who actually thinks that this portfolio is meaningful and expects me to feel similarly. She wants perfection. I want good enough. So after working for ten hours, the only reason we quit working was because the lab was closing and they kicked us out. Luckily, I was pretty much finished at that point, and all I needed to do was go home, burn a couple of CDs and print out a copy of the research paper. So as of now, it is OUT OF MY HAIR and is the postal service's problem. I hope I never hear another word about the whole stinking mess.

Odds and ends

As time goes by, I think I'm becoming more accustomed to the idea of Aaron taking the job in Worcester - pronounced by the natives as "Worster". (Note: I know I've been saying Boston all this time, but it's actually Worcester - I figured nobody would know where I was talking about if I just said that.) Anyhoo.... so yeah. Maybe I'm over the initial panic, but it would (most likely) be a good move for Aaron.

So it's Friday - and Aaron should have been in Worcester now, except that after Aaron had taken the day off and everything, the guy who was going to interview him left town. So, now Aaron is at work and he'll have to reschedule everything with Chung gets back in town. I do think it's very rude of him to tell Aaron that he wants to fly him out for an interview ASAP - heavily stressed that fact - and then when Aaron gets the time off, Chung is nowhere to be seen. I'm sure this is just bad timing and not significant of what to expect if he takes the job... at least, I hope so.

As Aaron has more time to think and talk to his colleagues at work about what to expect when he flies out to Worcester, he's becoming more realistic about what they'll offer him. Like, initially Aaron was saying that oh sure, it's common for these big bio-tech people to put you up in a house a part of the resettlement package. Now, thanks in large part to my realistic butt (never pessimistic, no never!), he's realized that typically all a relocation package means is that they'll pay for the moving out process and maybe help you find an apartment. I hate it that Aaron's got his hopes all up... I'm terrified that he'll just end up being disappointed. It's so much easier to have lower expectations and be happily surprised than to have high expectations and end up shocked and disappointed.

On a completely different topic, I'm trying to finish up my digital portfolio with embedded research paper. All a complete waste of time and energy. They teach us to create meaningful assignments, and yet to graduate you have to create a HUGE (mine's 110+ pages) document that signifies NOTHING. I'm currently working on the lovely 1.1.2.1.1 NCTE standards as part of my evidence that I have met performance indicator 1.2.1. Ok, let's draw this out clearly. I have to write reflections for 10 performance indicators. Now, within the indicator 1.2.1 I have this NCTE standards crap which consists of 11 more reflections. Interestingly enough, these 11 abominidable reflections are nothing but repeats of the 10 performance indicators. And on top of that, it was never clearly stated that I had to do these additional 10 - not until recently. Is there any real reason that I have to repeat myself over and over again? Yep - I have to jump those hoops to graduate. Oh wait... I said real reason. Oh no, none of those. Just hoops. And the crap that I have to prove! Get this - the very first NCTE standard that I have to prove is "Uses standard spoken and written English" Oh, COME ON!! I've just written 110 pages for you - is that competent enough?!

I hate having to pretend that I care about any of this. Do they actually expect us to believe that we're doing something of significance? Moreover, do they actually believe it themselves?

Phantess of the Opera

I am proud to say that I am a Phantom of the Opera fan. I had never experienced the story before the movie, although even before I saw a trailer for it, I knew that the story would become one of my favorites. And I was right. There really is very little I don't enjoy about it... except for perhaps that the movie deviates from the book in certain ways that I don't approve. But really now, what movie has ever faithfully follow the book?

I'll try not to use this post for unabashed gushing. I'm sure you can find that on any fan site. I just want to share my love of a great and timeless story. And, ugh... the MUSIC! If there is one thing more closely tied to my hearts strings than literature, it is music. I'll admit this - I bawl my eyes out Every Single Time that Eric sings "Christine, I love you" at the end of the song "Point of No Return". Mass boo hooing like someone killed my mother. I don't know what overcomes me... I know it's coming... not like I encourage it.

There's probably nothing much more pathetic than a grown woman watching a movie for the umpteenth time singing along with the characters through gasping sobs and salty rivlets. What a mess.

What is it about this movie that draws me in so completely each time? ....... Oh, I guess I know... but... somehow... it wouldn't be right to put it into words. Makes it sound cheesy and simplistic.

I am quite proud to announce that although my husband would like to finish off the Phantom with his own punjab lasso, I have successfully recruited my niece over to the dark side (away from the garish light of day). She, my wonderful protogee, has then gotten her friend to love the movie. Add into the mix both of our mothers, and I'm surrounded by a devoted PotO fanclub. It's nice to have somebody with whom I can debate about "should Christine have gone with Eric" or "why does the Phantom tell the theatre owners to send his salary 'return of post'" Pressing questions, I assure you. :)

Sigh.... all this talk about the Phantom makes me want to watch the movie again, lol. Guess I know what I'll be doing tomorrow!

Spooks

Strange, how beliefs can change. I never believed in spirits, ghosts, spooks, all that sort of nonsense. Until recently I experienced it firsthand. I could relate literally dozens of stories that very close and personal friends whom I literally would trust with my life - people who are highly intelligent and respected by high ranking people. Not just some anybody, you know? I dunno, I guess I just want to say that real people believe these things, have experienced amazing and otherwise unexplainable things. I don't want this all to seem the realm of weirdos and crackpipes.
Anyway, a family friend in the realty business owns a house that he's remodeling. I went with my mom, his dad and sister to visit. They asked that I bring my digital camera with me. Apparently, the house is well known for having spirits in it and a guy not too long ago had unexpectedly dropped by and took some pictures in the basement. When he printed the pics, white and colored orbs appeared, always in different places. So they wanted me to come and see if I could replicate what happened. I didn't expect anything to happen. In fact, when we were all in the basement, we didn't see or feel anything at all. I thought it was all just a waste of time. Now I printed off quite a few pictures - many had nothing, some had something. Interesting enough, I took at least two pictures of each spot - so you can tell that it's not something defective with the camera - the orbs moved. It's such a weird feeling... to see my pictures. The pictures I've posted here have only been lightened up a little so that the orbs are a little clearer. I just want to make that very clear because I'm always skeptical of pictures like this. I own Photoshop CS - I know very well how easy it is to fake pictures. Anyway... I guess I'm just posting this because I don't want this topic to be seen as hoaxy. There's something to it, and it's worth looking into. Everybody's heading back to the house middle of next month to meet with a psychic. The owner of the house and a few others have met with her before. Long story short - I have absolutely no reason to doubt. I look forward to hearing what she has to say.

Day Two, Family

Less than 24 hours from when Aaron told me the big Boston news. Last night when we went to bed I broke down and bawled my head off. It's not the thought of moving to a huge city that has me worried. (Although it does.) It's not my abrupt career change (and uncertain career future) that worries me. (Althought it does.) It's not about leaving all of my friends several states behind; it's not about being torn from everything I've ever known and dumped suddenly in the middle of uncertainty and unknown. Or relocating and trying to find housing or the rapidity with which all of this might be happening. (Although all of this is.)

What made me break down and cry until I nearly made myself sick was the thought of leaving Ashley and my momasita. I'm not saying that I won't miss all of my family - that's not at all what I'm saying. But Ash and Mom... they rank right up there with food, water, dry roof, warm clothes and Aaron. To not be an integral part of their lives - to not see them on the weekends - to miss out on so much of their lives - to not be a part of their lives. To only see them once or twice a year?!

It's not like I have to see them every second of every day. When I was in Kirksville, I was perfectly okey dokey being away from my family. The difference, however, is that at any given time - if my family needed me - I was only a short 2-hour drive away. Something going on for the weekend? I was there. Wanted to talk to Mom? Hwy. 63 all the way. I was still a present and active member of the family.

In Boston? It's a whole chasm. Seems that way to me anyway. I wouldn't be part of the family anymore. Well, not an active part of the family. If I came to visit Jeanette? I'd be company. I'd be a special visit which requires a clean house and clean hair.

... Aaron got next Friday off to fly out to Boston for the interview. I may be going with him. Aaron asked the recruiter if they would likely pay for my airfare as well - who replied that it was most likely possible, since I'm an integral part of the decision factor. Granted, the recruiter can't definitively speak for Chung (guy who's hired the recruiter)... but still, the recruiter should know what he's talking about. Assuming that I do get to go with Aaron, I'm excited. I've never been in an airport before, let alone flown in a plane. And Aaron's flown to TX a couple of times, so I can count on him to know what we're doing. I really would like to be out there so that I can get a feel for the area. And, hopefully we can spend an extra day out there checking things out. ... Still, Aaron just now said that they probably won't fly me out until after his interview - not until they offer him the job and help us start looking for a place to live. I don't like this. I want an idea of what I'm getting into before things get too far. Grrr!

If only I didn't have a new job with a year contract... if only my family weren't so important and close to me. I wouldn't really have any major problems with relocating out there. And it would be exciting, a big adventure.

I guess there's no point to stress about all this too much.. at least until we know more.

Babies and Boston

Took care of my friend's 7 1/2 week old baby boy today. I was kind of hoping that it would kinda act like birth control - that it would make me realize that I don't really want a baby. So much for that. Granted, I only had him for 8 hours... and I know that I didn't even start to get a taste of how hellish it can be for a mom... but... *sigh* even when he was wailing like the next Pavarati, I still wanted one of my own. Two years ago I would never have imagined that my mommy instincts would kick in like this.

Don't get me wrong - I saw how my friend was stressed, how she cries for hours at night because she doesn't know what to do and is exhausted. I know that it would make sense to have a baby right now. Aaron and I aren't ready for it; I know that. He just got offered (basically) a very lucrative job near Boston; I'm starting my first year teaching at Blair Oaks. Financially and all things logistically we're just not ready. And, I have to be honest that neither he, I, nor we are ready all that having a baby would entail emotionally, relationship-wise, etc.

I just wish we were at that stage in our lives where having a baby made sense. I want that house with a big back yard, two stable incomes, and yeah, I want those cooing noises that only a newborn can make.

The baby's mom has a really hard time with him - colicky, always cries, never sleeps, can't keep food down. But... today? Barely cried at all, slept like a dream, kept all his food down, and was all smiles and giggles and cooes when he was awake. At Sears, he was crying for her and she couldn't get him to stop - I took him and he calmed down... I think it kinda hurt mom's feelings. I felt so bad for her... deadbeat dad, no child support, baby just had surgery, would have gotten fired from her job if she'd taken one more day off for her baby.... and then to feel like you're not a good mom. At least I could help her out for today.

...

So yeah... potential job offer from Boston. Flying Aaron out for an interview as soon as he can get the time off. "Money is not an issue." Fantastic career move - what he's doing now but also cloning and stem cell research for humans... finding cures and stuff like that. Aaron says that there's "huuuuuge money in that" cuz it's developmental research and you get the grant for what you develop. Stock options, lucrative pay. The job is everything he's looking for...

In Boston.

Assuming that we accept the job, Aaron would probably move out there before the end of July, so... we'd live hundreds of miles apart for like 10 months. I guess I could technically back out of my contract .... I dunno... I don't really want to leave this job. It's such a great school. That, and I'd feel really bad if i did it..... plus, what would I do once we moved? I wouldn't have a job, and I couldn't get a teaching job so late in the season. I suppose I could just get any ol' job to pass the time and the bills...

Boston!!

Ok, actually some suburb type city that got sucked into the metro that Boston is... some W* word... but still, big city! like a suburb of NYC at this point... one big hell from New York to DC. An unending chain of the angry buzzing. STL on steroids. Some corporation ate the countryside and belched up pavement.

No family.
Me. Aaron. Alone.

alone. no ash, no mum. alone.

If all this does come to pass, I hope it is worth it. I hate change. I'm scared shitless.

Warping young minds

Since going to K'ville to meet with my advisor, I've discovered that my digital portfolio, namely my research, wasn't ripped to shreds. I'm better off than I feared. So now that I don't' have to worry about that, I'm starting to think more about August... and all that that entails. In many ways I'm glad that I don't have any sort of guidelines or effective curriculum to follow - means I can do whatever I want a lot of the time - but still, that's a lot of emptiness that I have to fill. It's not like a math class where there is a logical procession from one lesson to the next and everything you're supposed to teach is spelled out and all you have to determine is HOW to teach it. With English, there is a TON of things I could teach. I have to consider what skills to teach, what things to read, what to write.... everything. That's a lot to consider. My problem is that without any guidelines at all, I can't make up my mind what to include in the year and what to leave out. I keep second guessing myself. It doesn't help that I don't even have textbooks to use as a guideline!! This should be an interesting year!

Naive, yeah sure

My niece and I were coming back from BHS yesterday - getting the keys to my new room - and "Staying Alive" came on. I thought, "Hey, l've never watched Saturday Night Fever; it'll be a laugh." So there we were anticipating polyester suits, flashy light dance floors and gyrating hips. We got, well, we got a little bit of reality. I have to admit: I'm a naive little sheltered white girl in a lot of ways. I couldn't believe that I was sitting on the couch next to my 15 y/o niece watching this stuff. I mean, even Travolta's character - the lead guy I was expecting to love - was a jerk! No no, not just a jerk... but a womanizing prick. I kept waiting for a miraculous 180 and all of the guys to suddenly realize the error of their ways. And the movie ended; my jaw was still dropped.

I look at Ash - and I realize that I knew all along that this sort of thing exists. I just didn't want her to realize it. And I could either try to ignore what had just happened, try to sweep it under the proverbial rug, or I could seize the opportunity to talk about the issues. And once again I'm amazed - she's one smart cookie. No, we didn't have one of those Photoshopped conversations where everything is discussed in the perfect way and everything turns out perfectly... in fact I realized for a split second how terrifying it would be to have my own kid that age - I was crap at this serious talk stuff... but within the conversation that we did have I realized that Ash is a lot smarter than I, or most of her family, give her credit for. I couldn't hand wrap all of the wisdom that I've accumulated over the years. But I know she'll be able to walk this crazy tightrope and find that wisdom on her own. And I guess that's a little bit reassuring.